Talking to teenagers

I only want to advise about one thing during this pandemic…I have refrained from posting about routine or helping your teen with anxiety, staying calm or being active outdoors. There is too much of this on Facebook and the internet generally. You see, the things mentioned above and also the other topics addressed by parenting blogs are all fundamentally supported/helped/improved by decent sleep quality. Get better sleep = feel more energetic Get better sleep = anxiety is lessened Get better sleep = make better food choices Get better sleep = better focus, stay on task Get better sleep = more patient Get better sleep = more creative WHO DOESN’T WANT THE ABOVE BENEFITS DURING THIS PANDEMIC? How can we deal with big emotions and close contact in the house when we are at the very end of our tether? We can’t, we have to feel robust as much as we can, and for that, you need to plan for what is effective. There used to be a culture of ‘I can survive on 6 hours s...

First of all, don’t argue with them, why? because you will make them good at arguing! Practice makes perfect. In CBT they have a phrase ‘what fires together, wires together’ it sort of explains how wonky thinking and behaviour is formed. What you are trying to aim for is reflective thought in yourself and your teenager. So, first of all before new actions and responses can be installed you have to undo the set of behaviours that you don’t want. You have to interrupt that pattern. What you don’t want is your teenager thinking they have all the answers. Firstly, because his/her answers aren’t always right and second it will drive you mad. Think of it as a dance, you’re not willing to dance on demand anymore as you are saving your energy for other important things. The other important things are noticing, being present, hearing the message in the noise and most importantly keeping yourself regulated for the sake of yourself and everyone else in the family. ...

“You’re an idiot, no wonder you’ve not got any mates” “You’re a weirdo” ‘Enough’ I stated loudly. I ask my daughter who is the older one to go and sit in her room to let the tension die down.   This sort of name calling has escalated in this house for about a month and I know for certain it is very damaging.   Some could argue that I’m being soft, that every sibling can remember taunts and name calling and that it serves to toughen you up. I bet though you can recall speaking to people who hold a deep-seated resentment for their siblings in adulthood for the treatment they received when young. Maybe you can remember the particular insults used against you and that is your default position even now? It doesn’t just happen from an older sibling to a younger one (although its more impactful that way round, it’s also more powerful if the older sibling is female) When certain names are stated enough times, the younger sibling is going to internalise it and it wil...

Parents are the new focus for teenage anxiety treatment, is it possible to not feel judged? You know as an adult when you go to your mum for advice and the conversation starts off ok and you feel supported and then she says a certain thing or looks a certain way and the conversation takes a different turn. Her concern is for your children and she slips in the time when you made a bad decision or reacted in a certain wrong way. Before you know it, you want to leave but she’s made you a cup of tea and brought the Blue Ribands out…too late, you have to suck it up. Well lots of parents’ report feeling this way when visiting the consultant paediatrician or psychologist. So you may be surprised that the new approach that has grown from a Yale study is to focus on the parents attitude to their teenager. There is a realisation from researchers that treatment for anxiety in children/teens is limited if there is not active participation from the child/teenager that traditional CBT ...

I recently read a short article by Lorraine Candy declaring that you cannot be a best friend to your teenage children…my response was why would you want to be a best friend? Lorraine, who I must point out is the editor-in- chief of the style magazine, writes a weekly column for the family section of The Sunday Times magazine. In the article she explains a trip to the theatre where there is hardly any conversation amongst her and her daughters and that they film videos of their mother swearing at the over complicated microwave. She concludes that the gradual separation is heart-breaking. A statistic alongside the article is that 75% of adolescents lie, with an average of nearly 3 untruths a day. Well I would like to bet that 65% of adults lie, with 2 whopping untruths a day…so what? what has that got to do with being attuned to your teenager. This kind of article perpetuates the notion that teenagers are these distant, unreachable, difficult people that as parents we a...

Photo by Kat J on Unsplash Advising all Parents don’t do b******t, teenagers are experts at detecting it in adults! Teenagers need repeated instructions, reminders, prompting, guidance and direction but when it comes to insight and awareness into the adults in their life, they are watching and tracking carefully. Between the ages of 11-13 teenagers start to experience their parents as people that haven’t quite got it together in a way they expect adult life to be. In some cases, this creates a sceptical disheartened teenager who is looking for evidence of safety and security in this ‘scales fall from the eyes’ period. So, what are we to do as parents to prevent these feelings in your teenagers to deepen. Stop the b******t ·        Don’t try to wing a mistake and continue to protest it was the right course of action. The teenager knows you have got it a bit wrong, they feel it. If it goes unacknowledged it becomes the elephant in th...