Talking to teenagers

It has been believed for decades that the mature brain was incapable of growing new neurons; it was understood that as we reached adulthood, we began to lose neurons rather than gain them. However, it has been extensively researched and proved that exercise in particular can create new neurons, helping to defend against conditions such as Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s disease. Physical activity improves the function of many systems in the body, but the effects are usually about athletic performance, but what sort of challenge improves brain function? Researchers at Salk Institute showed in the 1990’s that running increased the hippocampal neurons in mice. It increases BDNF (a protein called ‘brain-derived neurotrophic factor’) that is produced throughout the body and brain, it promotes nascent neurons. BDNF lead to an increase in size of the hippocampus thus improving memory in adults. Research has also proven benefits of exercise in the prefrontal cortex which is resp

An adult recently asked my 11-year-old son how is new secondary school was, my son’s answer was that it was stressful, he sighed when he said this.  He doesn’t mean the content of the lessons; he means the flow of the school. It involves organisation, forward planning, intense social interaction and geographical orientation, these things need to be mastered as well as subject knowledge. It takes a lot of nervous energy. It is taxing on the Psyche. It takes a toll on the sense of self. When people talk about learning something new, often they relate it to driving a car. If you have passed your test you can relate to the feeling of being overwhelmed with all the different aspects of learning to drive. If you haven’t learnt a new skill recently you may not be able to relate to the frustration. I have recently embarked on a journey of learning that is so removed from my everyday life that I am experiencing these stages in cycles with all different modules. I

A month ago, I wasn’t sleeping well, I have had bouts of this for the last 5 years. I can pin point why, it is usually when I feel overwhelm in terms of emotional stressors and practical work-related things. Recently my 11-year-old son asked how my sleep was, we were on the way to the airport for a 5-day break. “my sleep is better this last week or so with certain work things being a success and I am excited we are going away for a break near the sea, so that helps” I replied. “Perhaps you should think about the good things about the world and what good you enjoy before going to sleep, have a list in your head mum that would work” my son helpfully offered.  That’s what I have started to actively do. I have previously done it when I have felt good about things, but not always when I feel wobbly.  So, if we are to give it a name, then it would be gratitude, but I can’t get with that term at all. Health gurus, wellness people, spiritual people have done gratitude to

With over 300 videos uploaded every minute to YouTube, it has evolved into must see viewing for the pre-teen generation. Parents are left reeling from the fall outs due to excessive consumption from something that doesn’t appeal to them because of its moronic nature. Why do I think it is so bad…I will try and explain from a mum’s perspective and also that of a child and adolescent therapist. My son doesn’t have a television in his bedroom, not because I have any strong feelings about that he’s just never asked and I’ve not bought one. So, when YouTube is playing, it is on his kindle or through his Xbox which is in the lounge. I can hear and see the sort of things available to him to watch. One of the biggest things that is damaging is that it gives a false idea of masculinity to boys growing into adolescence. There is this over exaggerated laddish absurd behaviour with pumped up Gym tanned bodies (there is lots of evidence piling up in regards to boy’s expos

First of all, don’t argue with them, why? because you will make them good at arguing! Practice makes perfect. In CBT they have a phrase ‘what fires together, wires together’ it sort of explains how wonky thinking and behaviour is formed. What you are trying to aim for is reflective thought in yourself and your teenager. So, first of all before new actions and responses can be installed you have to undo the set of behaviours that you don’t want. You have to interrupt that pattern. What you don’t want is your teenager thinking they have all the answers. Firstly, because his/her answers aren’t always right and second it will drive you mad. Think of it as a dance, you’re not willing to dance on demand anymore as you are saving your energy for other important things. The other important things are noticing, being present, hearing the message in the noise and most importantly keeping yourself regulated for the sake of yourself and everyone else in the family.

It’s difficult for both parent and child when leaving the safety of primary school. There are so many aspects of loss and excitement that it is difficult to know how to feel what emotion and when. The loses felt by the child are certainly immediate, they have been hanging on and letting go for most of the year. Teachers have been preparing them for SATS and the last school play, sports day, school trip etc. We as parents have been making the important decisions and presenting a positive attitude to this unavoidable leap of faith. So, as we approach Friday (if indeed your child finishes then) it may be important to remind ourselves of the aspects of loss your child may feel approaching this important day. Identity – Your child may be known as the conscientious one or the caring child or the leader, his class mates may know him for this particular quality and also the teachers. Whatever the quality is this will have been more cemented on the standard 5-day trip away that c

“You’re an idiot, no wonder you’ve not got any mates” “You’re a weirdo” ‘Enough’ I stated loudly. I ask my daughter who is the older one to go and sit in her room to let the tension die down.   This sort of name calling has escalated in this house for about a month and I know for certain it is very damaging.   Some could argue that I’m being soft, that every sibling can remember taunts and name calling and that it serves to toughen you up. I bet though you can recall speaking to people who hold a deep-seated resentment for their siblings in adulthood for the treatment they received when young. Maybe you can remember the particular insults used against you and that is your default position even now? It doesn’t just happen from an older sibling to a younger one (although its more impactful that way round, it’s also more powerful if the older sibling is female) When certain names are stated enough times, the younger sibling is going to internalise it and it will become

When I speak to mothers on my resilience workshops, the general consensus is that a good woman and a good mother is offering everything to everyone at the cost of her own emotional space. What I aim to do on these workshops is not undo this thinking totally and immediately, but bring about a shift in awareness that questions behaviour and alters the way the woman thinks about herself and her needs. How many of us have watched our mum’s struggle on the emergency chair at Christmas or sat down to eat her meal lukewarm after seeing to everyone else’s needs. How many have looked after elderly parents selflessly. Mum’s are the caretakers and the definition of self-sacrifice. This way of thinking is difficult to undo if the person in question has been a victim of unfair criticism and cruel treatment in their childhood. This, you would think, is the wrong way around surely…would they not want to meet their needs in adulthood if childhood was terrible with unmet needs? It’s more co

Parents are the new focus for teenage anxiety treatment, is it possible to not feel judged? You know as an adult when you go to your mum for advice and the conversation starts off ok and you feel supported and then she says a certain thing or looks a certain way and the conversation takes a different turn. Her concern is for your children and she slips in the time when you made a bad decision or reacted in a certain wrong way. Before you know it, you want to leave but she’s made you a cup of tea and brought the Blue Ribands out…too late, you have to suck it up. Well lots of parents’ report feeling this way when visiting the consultant paediatrician or psychologist. So you may be surprised that the new approach that has grown from a Yale study is to focus on the parents attitude to their teenager. There is a realisation from researchers that treatment for anxiety in children/teens is limited if there is not active participation from the child/teenager that traditional CBT

Verbal Intrusion – Getting on your teenager’s nerves. Its all in the timing. We all do it, some of us reflect after the explosion and think about what was said, how it was said and if too much was said. Some of us don’t reflect at all, learn nothing and the teenager knows that. I work with a lot of young people, I consult with parents and carers throughout the duration of the therapy and some just can’t stay quiet. The parent experiences it as caring for the teenager, the teenager experiences it as interference and intrusion, Why? Because it comes from a leaky anxiety valve, that doesn’t burst big and long enough for the parent to acknowledge it is a problem that needs professional attention, but is a steady and potent drip that keeps the parent teetering on worst scenario thinking. There is evidence to say that this is avoidance of feeling, an avoidance of imagery in the minds eye. It serves to comfort the parent, like white noise from a fan. Some parents thi