Talking to teenagers

First of all, don’t argue with them, why? because you will make them good at arguing! Practice makes perfect. In CBT they have a phrase ‘what fires together, wires together’ it sort of explains how wonky thinking and behaviour is formed. What you are trying to aim for is reflective thought in yourself and your teenager. So, first of all before new actions and responses can be installed you have to undo the set of behaviours that you don’t want. You have to interrupt that pattern. What you don’t want is your teenager thinking they have all the answers. Firstly, because his/her answers aren’t always right and second it will drive you mad. Think of it as a dance, you’re not willing to dance on demand anymore as you are saving your energy for other important things. The other important things are noticing, being present, hearing the message in the noise and most importantly keeping yourself regulated for the sake of yourself and everyone else in the family. ...

“You’re an idiot, no wonder you’ve not got any mates” “You’re a weirdo” ‘Enough’ I stated loudly. I ask my daughter who is the older one to go and sit in her room to let the tension die down.   This sort of name calling has escalated in this house for about a month and I know for certain it is very damaging.   Some could argue that I’m being soft, that every sibling can remember taunts and name calling and that it serves to toughen you up. I bet though you can recall speaking to people who hold a deep-seated resentment for their siblings in adulthood for the treatment they received when young. Maybe you can remember the particular insults used against you and that is your default position even now? It doesn’t just happen from an older sibling to a younger one (although its more impactful that way round, it’s also more powerful if the older sibling is female) When certain names are stated enough times, the younger sibling is going to internalise it and it wil...

Verbal Intrusion – Getting on your teenager’s nerves. Its all in the timing. We all do it, some of us reflect after the explosion and think about what was said, how it was said and if too much was said. Some of us don’t reflect at all, learn nothing and the teenager knows that. I work with a lot of young people, I consult with parents and carers throughout the duration of the therapy and some just can’t stay quiet. The parent experiences it as caring for the teenager, the teenager experiences it as interference and intrusion, Why? Because it comes from a leaky anxiety valve, that doesn’t burst big and long enough for the parent to acknowledge it is a problem that needs professional attention, but is a steady and potent drip that keeps the parent teetering on worst scenario thinking. There is evidence to say that this is avoidance of feeling, an avoidance of imagery in the minds eye. It serves to comfort the parent, like white noise from a fan. Some parents thi...

I recently read a short article by Lorraine Candy declaring that you cannot be a best friend to your teenage children…my response was why would you want to be a best friend? Lorraine, who I must point out is the editor-in- chief of the style magazine, writes a weekly column for the family section of The Sunday Times magazine. In the article she explains a trip to the theatre where there is hardly any conversation amongst her and her daughters and that they film videos of their mother swearing at the over complicated microwave. She concludes that the gradual separation is heart-breaking. A statistic alongside the article is that 75% of adolescents lie, with an average of nearly 3 untruths a day. Well I would like to bet that 65% of adults lie, with 2 whopping untruths a day…so what? what has that got to do with being attuned to your teenager. This kind of article perpetuates the notion that teenagers are these distant, unreachable, difficult people that as parents we a...

Photo by Gabriel Matula on Unsplash Some pointers that indicate you need to be less productive with more time, not the other way around…burnout blog post. Lately I have noticed a rise in Apps to help with productivity. I counted 240 apps listed under productivity on iTunes. Come on guys, how many formats do we need to see a To Do list in? We are celebrated in our culture if we are hardworking, cease the day, do 10,000 steps blah blah blah. Those things are good if you are great at moderation and you can recognise the signs of overwhelm. Never have a known such a good word to describe a feeling…overwhelm is just the perfect word. How do you know when overwhelm is happening as a parent or a teenager?               Feel quite fragile ·        You can’t seem to find what you want to watch on TV, but you know you can’t watch anything heavy or upsetting. The news seems like ...

The first thing, you can do right now to improve your relationship with your teenager (especially if your teenager is a boy) “ Before you were conceived, I wanted you. Before you were born, I loved you, Before you were a minute old, I would have died for you. This is the miracle of life.”                                                                                                                    Maureen Hawki...