Argumentative child/teenager…Here’s how to lessen that. (3 minute read)

First of all, don’t argue with them, why? because you will make them good at arguing! Practice makes perfect. In CBT they have a phrase ‘what fires together, wires together’ it sort of explains how wonky thinking and behaviour is formed. What you are trying to aim for is reflective thought in yourself and your teenager.


So, first of all before new actions and responses can be installed you have to undo the set of behaviours that you don’t want. You have to interrupt that pattern.

What you don’t want is your teenager thinking they have all the answers. Firstly, because his/her answers aren’t always right and second it will drive you mad.


Think of it as a dance, you’re not willing to dance on demand anymore as you are saving your energy for other important things. The other important things are noticing, being present, hearing the message in the noise and most importantly keeping yourself regulated for the sake of yourself and everyone else in the family.


If you don’t manage to keep regulated every once in a while, don’t worry as every parent on the planet has done the mad screamy responses. Just make a vow now that you are going to be different to get a different outcome. So how do we go about withdrawing from the `dance’?

1.       “I’ve given up having arguments for a couple of weeks, I’ll come back to you in 10 minutes”

2.       “I just need to put something in the oven/say something to dad/get something from the car when I come back, I want this conversation to be different”

3.       “This is shouting, I don’t want to be good at that” walk away

4.       “How would it be if I whispered like this while you were shouting, that would be strange wouldn’t it, so let’s just talk at a normal level.”

You are basically interrupting the pattern of what usually happens, for you and for them.

The second thing you need to practice is really difficult and requires you to concentrate. It is modelling and teaching an optimistic outlook. The absence of optimism is catastrophising, black and white thinking, personalising with negative thinking.


Personalising – It’s my fault


Black and white thinking – Its going to be a disaster


Catastrophising – I ALWAYS mess up


Why is this important? because pessimistic teenagers are quick to anger. I am not saying this is easy, changing our outlook is a full-time job never mind someone else’s. So how do we do this?


No matter what the end result of a situation, the most important thing is to help your teenager self-evaluate. “What would you change if you could” “what will you do differently for a different result”?


Notice positive things about other situations outside of the ones concerning you and your teenager.


When you get back in the car at the petrol station for example “It’s good that the guy in the petrol station is smiley, it cheers me up”

“I like the fact you help me when I’m carrying heavy stuff”

“its good that school have organised the lunchtime that way”


Its pretty hard to think of examples if I’m honest. I don’t just mean saying things for saying things sake, but to really feel the things you communicate that are about positive stuff.


What tends to happen when teenagers are going through these difficult years is that communication becomes less and less and then the only communication that you do have is to ask them to do something or to complain about something that they haven’t done. It is important that something with a different vibe is communicated between you both. 


These things are not easy and require self-control in the first instance and lots of noticing in the second. I can’t stress enough how quickly negative exchanges take a hold, for example always arguments at tea time, always arguments in the car at the weekend etc, it is because it triggers something (good or bad) that helps the teenager recognise what the next expected steps are. It’s an unconscious thing on the teenager/child’s part. Again, I stress, by doing the above things you are interrupting the pattern. 


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