Talking to teenagers

I only want to advise about one thing during this pandemic…I have refrained from posting about routine or helping your teen with anxiety, staying calm or being active outdoors. There is too much of this on Facebook and the internet generally. You see, the things mentioned above and also the other topics addressed by parenting blogs are all fundamentally supported/helped/improved by decent sleep quality. Get better sleep = feel more energetic Get better sleep = anxiety is lessened Get better sleep = make better food choices Get better sleep = better focus, stay on task Get better sleep = more patient Get better sleep = more creative WHO DOESN’T WANT THE ABOVE BENEFITS DURING THIS PANDEMIC? How can we deal with big emotions and close contact in the house when we are at the very end of our tether? We can’t, we have to feel robust as much as we can, and for that, you need to plan for what is effective. There used to be a culture of ‘I can survive on 6 hours s...

When A.S.M.R first became popular on the internet, the press choice to sexualise it with descriptions such as brain-gasm within sexual language. This resulted in parents thinking it was maybe risky and weird. Lots of teenage clients I have seen over time report using it as a relaxation resource during times of increased stress and anxiety such as exams or returning to school after prolonged periods away such as holidays or illness. It doesn’t work for everyone, but if it does work for you it seems to be a game-changer in regards to sleep. I don’t fully understand when watching it how it can induce sensory relaxation and if I’m honest I find the whispering very irritating, but it works for my daughter and below are a few paragraphs written by her explaining what it is and the benefits she has felt when using this valuable resource. “ASMR (autonomous sensory meridian response) videos are something I watch every night before I go to sleep or when I’m anxious and dysr...

I wanted to write this short piece for people to gain a greater understanding of what the challenges may be for some people who have experienced developmental trauma or a traumatic episode. Why would this be so? One of the aims of therapy for the traumatised client is to try and live within a window of tolerance re emotions and sensations. This is a difficult thing for the client to master as they are frequently triggered by implicit and explicit memories that hijack the central nervous system. Early on in therapy clients either live in a state of hyperarousal or hypo-arousal. Early and middle stage work is helping the client to dampen down this highly dysregulated state. Clients often feel a huge level of responsibility for things that are usually far out of their control, as well as the people-pleasing they output for personal aspects that are within their control. They live with a high level of hypervigilance and a continuous dread of terrible...

Parents are the new focus for teenage anxiety treatment, is it possible to not feel judged? You know as an adult when you go to your mum for advice and the conversation starts off ok and you feel supported and then she says a certain thing or looks a certain way and the conversation takes a different turn. Her concern is for your children and she slips in the time when you made a bad decision or reacted in a certain wrong way. Before you know it, you want to leave but she’s made you a cup of tea and brought the Blue Ribands out…too late, you have to suck it up. Well lots of parents’ report feeling this way when visiting the consultant paediatrician or psychologist. So you may be surprised that the new approach that has grown from a Yale study is to focus on the parents attitude to their teenager. There is a realisation from researchers that treatment for anxiety in children/teens is limited if there is not active participation from the child/teenager that traditional CBT ...

Is your child suffering with anxiety, read this… it’s important! I have received 47 emails from my daughters’ secondary school since September 22 nd nearly 5 a week. I have received at least 36 text messages from my son’s primary school since the end of October and he comes home with at least 6 pieces of paper in his school bag a week. This is some examples of the secondary school communication Drama rehearsals email, lunchtime revision email, National citizenship service email, Duke of Edinburgh , carol singers in the village square email, PTA quiz email, Revision resources, bus pass email, Food technology contribution email, six form open evening email, six form open evening feedback email, Sponsored walk email, New headmaster welcome letter email, Careers talks parent assembly email, parents evening email, parents evening feedback email, forthcoming fundraising events email, foodbank collection email, PTA annual Christmas bingo email, community nativity email, Pre ord...

Little changes to simplify life and dampen down anxiety We aren’t talking about anxiety totally going away, this little list will help to stave off overwhelm and help you manage more throughout the day. ·        Leave your home space in a nice way, even if its just make your bed, or stack the dishwasher with last night’s pots. When its been a hard day you then have a nice space to come back to. ·        Tell a couple of people abut your anxiety…not everyone, just two people that seem the most supportive. ·        Think about social media in terms of energy zapping, limit the time to half an hour in the morning and half an hour in the evening. ·        Write down month on month what you feel you can handle socially. 1 night or 2 nights, who with? What activity. That way you do not agree to John’s bowling night at work or Alana’s pizza meal and...

School is a strenuous task for the introverted teenager, the noise, lights, chatter, teacher discipline, dinner que etc, introverts need to recharge periodically, they need to have some alone time. They are not shy, they are not socially anxious (although the interaction, if too much can make them feel that way) A teenage client described going to the toilet and locking herself into the cubicle at break and dinner to have some time in which she didn’t have to interact with ANYONE. This is not how any teenager should be feeling in school. Our teenagers spent 1,110 hours in school in an academic year, 139 of them could be being spent in the toilet cubicles. The school report may often say ‘ Sophie needs to be more vocal in class’ ‘ Sophie is a bright girl, she needs to believe in her ability a bit more’. At parents evening the teachers will reiterate this message ‘Sophie is a great asset to the class, we just need to hear a bit more of her’ So how do we as parents make...

Anxiety lesson 7 – lets evaluate our positive beliefs about worry This is going to be a short blog and I would like you to print this off and stick it to the fridge. When anxiety and worry have existed for some time, we develop positive beliefs about this awful paralysing condition. These beliefs are sometimes the following: 1)       Worry helps me find solutions to my problems. 2)       Worrying is a motivator and so it means I get things done. 3)       Worry is a protective factor from negative things happening, should negative things happen then I will be prepared. 4)       Worry can prevent negative things from happening (miracle thinking, thought action connection) ‘If I worry about this strongly enough, it won’t happen’. 5)       Worrying about people and situation means I am a caring and compassionate person. That’s address thes...

Photo by Tanja Heffner on Unsplash Parents, health professionals, teachers say it often ‘ oh children are so resilient, they adapt don’t they’ This is usually said in the context of parents separating, moving schools, transitioning to secondary school ect. It is true in these cases that children/teenagers adjust to change and transition, but what happens if the child has experienced a traumatic incident, are they able to process this and move on? I see young people in my counselling room that are experiencing school refusal due to severe anxiety, this anxiety is sometimes a delayed manifestation of a traumatic event that has gone unprocessed. The teenager believes it is a fear of school, but in fact it is trauma that is unprocessed, now setting off the flight or fight response, it is the body’s way of saying that the incident needs to be worked through therapeutically. Sometimes incidents witnessed by children/teenagers can be rationalized and talked about at the t...

Photo by Morgan Basham on Unsplash Anxiety lesson 6 – Expression of feelings Its not uncommon for people with anxiety disorders to withhold their true feelings. There are many reasons for this, one common one is the need to be in control and a fear of losing it. When feelings have been denied over time, anxiety can start to manifest. I wrote about this briefly in Anxiety lesson 1 potential causes https://helenharveycounselling.blogspot.com/2017/10/anxiety-learning-potential-causes.html Because people with anxiety/phobic tendency tend to be emotionally reactive and have very strong feelings, the expression of them is even more important for their emotional well-being. When I did my degree in Person Centred Therapy, it was a requirement that you checked in with yourself and others in the morning, also a portion of the day was dedicated to personal development. Again, this is a discipline that requires practice, to notice and name feelings and the memories/events that a...