Verbal Intrusion – Getting on your teenager’s nerves. Its
all in the timing.
We all do it, some of us reflect after the explosion and
think about what was said, how it was said and if too much was said. Some of us
don’t reflect at all, learn nothing and the teenager knows that. I work with a
lot of young people, I consult with parents and carers throughout the duration
of the therapy and some just can’t stay quiet.
The parent experiences it as caring for the teenager, the
teenager experiences it as interference and intrusion,
Why?
Because it comes from a leaky anxiety valve, that doesn’t
burst big and long enough for the parent to acknowledge it is a problem that
needs professional attention, but is a steady and potent drip that keeps the
parent teetering on worst scenario thinking. There is evidence to say that this
is avoidance of feeling, an avoidance of imagery in the minds eye. It serves to
comfort the parent, like white noise from a fan.
Some parents thinking is ‘I will always be there for my teenager and provide reassurance and
guidance, I never felt that when I was a child and I’m not going to do the same
thing as my parents”
Parents in childhood may sometimes have experienced an
atmosphere of problems ignored and rules rigidly enforced. Parents are
sometimes lonely and the constant flow of dialogue is reassuring to them. Its
like talking to yourself, but out loud (always having things covered and
ensuring against the worst).
It isn’t like nagging, nagging is a different thing
entirely.
Teenage clients explain it as parents wanting to know
‘everything’, that mum asks ‘what’s wrong when I have problems that I can sort
myself’. They comment that it is like information overload with lots of
emotion. If it is really extreme, they complain that there is no room for their
feelings, their experience or emotions will just add to the noise. Honestly it
drives them mad.
Can I just say we all do this, I do it when I am
disconnected from my internal world. When I am overloaded or not living fully
in the hour or even the day. I notice I do it when I have had contact from
school (mostly after feeling misunderstood).
We should take a moment to remind ourselves that being a
parent is the hardest job in the world. Having Donald Trump’s job would be
easier than this task. We perceive a threat, that becomes a worry. We search
internally to match that worry with some relevant lived experience. We then
reflect on that lived experience and magnify it and then project it with the
incessant endless chatter.
“who was on the phone
then”
“I thought you said
you had maths homework when we were in the car”
“When you were at your
dads, did he speak to you about birthday arrangements”?
“I can’t seem to get
this chest sorted, I’m worried it could be something else than an infection”
“I need to get someone
to come and sort the lock on the gate, it dangerous with that small sliding
lock”
I know that for some parents, that if they didn’t have this
chatter, they would have hardly any conversation with their teenager at all.
This chatter is not worthwhile though, after a time the teenager can’t be
bothered to listen or respond.
It weakens the important stuff you do want to say. So, what
can we as parents do to minimise this flow of chatter?
Like starting the gym and wanting to firm up and tone those
parts you don’t like, you could promise yourself you are going to try and plug
the leaky valve. If it is chronic worry and a sense of loneliness then you
could consider getting professional help in the form of
coaching/counselling/personal growth group. If you would like to do some
self-help then these things are important.
1.
You check in with the Blob tree or other morning
emotion check in.
2.
You practice being quiet, radio and tv off.
3.
You could start some reflective writing
4.
See friends more often, it has been
scientifically proven that seeing your friends socially twice a week boosts
happiness and resilience.
5.
You think about whether the next thing spoken
about is doing the following things
·
Moving your teenager towards independence
·
Demonstrating balancing freedom &
responsibility
·
Is it motivated by love or worry?
·
Providing guidance without enabling
·
Not blurting out worry and dumping it.
·
Fun and interesting conversation 65% of the
time.
6.
If you have to share and do the chatter than my
best advice would be to store up the questions and approach your teenager after
tea when the house is chilled, because if it’s not actual information that you
need to know and just worrying then this technique will stop you from intruding
on your teenager emotionally.
I would say it should go something like this:
“because I am acknowledging that I
chatter all the time and I’m trying to stop. I just wanted to ask you a couple
of things that I am worried about and then I will go…do you have 2 mins?”
By doing this you are owning it and
you also get it over in one go. People can’t be mad at you when you own things
that you are trying to change.
To time when any interaction is right, needs you to zoom out and observe
what may be cycles of behaviour, what topics are best mentioned when. You need
to practice to emotionally hold the stuff until it is the right time to have a
conversation about it, you may have to wait 2 days or a week.
The important thing though is to practice stillness within you. If the
internal anxiety valve is talking over and not allowing you to look forward to
things or you fear the worst most of the time then the anxiety certainly needs
addressing for your sake…It is unfair for anyone to live like that and
certainly not when your trying to raise a family. My advice would be to get
some help in the form of group work/workshops/counselling which need not be
expensive there will be a training placement in your area which supplies
therapy on a sliding scale.
We
all do it to a greater or lesser extent, but I suppose it requires an
observation of how often it effects your relationship and how you feel inside.
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