A breast lump, abnormal cells, a much loved poorly dog and secondary school choices…this is what I did to stay resilient.

Six weeks ago, I went for a routine smear examination, the nurse told me she couldn’t take the smear as she could see something that needed investigating at Colposcopy, she said the referral would be quick as colposcopy are very efficient in our health trust (they are) So there starts my journey, a journey that hijacks peoples thinking and allows the worse case scenario to creep in.

I have pain in my breast, but its bearable and so I just get on.

I decided I would take a holiday alone (5 days) my mum kindly said she would have the children. I hadn’t had a holiday for a year and my thinking was that if I needed any sort of treatment then I may need to grab the chance while I can.

·       My mum saves me Sunday newspaper magazines, I go through them all and take out the interesting articles and staple them into a folder to read when I am there.

·       I went to somewhere I had been before and that felt safe to me.

·       I planned my time before I got there, i.e. work in the morning, lunch out, beach in the afternoon, swim in the sea at a certain time, reading early evening then get ready and eat out.

·       I decided which restaurants on which nights.

·       I decided and downloaded my viewing material for the flights

·       I took my vitamins.

·       I downloaded a sleep app

·        When sleep evaded me, I chose my desert island discs 8 tracks in the order they would appear and why (this is much harder than it sounds)

I came back refreshed and went along to my colposcopy appointment, she saw cell changes and spoke about the procedure I may need to have and took two punch biopsies. I have to say at this point I was still feeling positive. My problem was in the right hands, if there was something wrong it would be made right. I swim outdoors in Morecambe bay and I had been told by the consultant that I should not swim outdoors whilst the investigations were happening. Swimming contributes to keeping me resilient, it invigorates me, improving my technique keep my cognitively active. I decided to increase my walking instead.

The day after this myself and Reg were out on the beach at Morecambe, a dog came to play with him and I noticed Reg fall over many times. I felt a lump on his back leg and one under his neck. We went to the vets the following day and he had 4 new lumps. The vet was kind, she took a biopsy from the lumps and gave him a steroid injection. After 20 minutes we both acknowledged that we knew things were not good. We all love Reg, but I have a fifteen-year-old daughter loves him with all her heart.

Did I tell her the true and full picture...of course I did, because to do otherwise is not allowing her to digest and process difficult feelings and it isn’t exercising her resilience? She was very sad and very pragmatic, vowing to make his last months fantastic.

The pain in my breast is getting worse and I go to the doctors later that day, the breast screening unit ring me that evening and ask me to come in the following day at 10.00. I arrive with a friend and I go for an examination and a mammogram, we watch the morning clinic end and those people go home and we sit and wait. The afternoon clinic starts and we chat, but grow uneasy. People are called in and out, but not me.

I go for an ultrasound at 3.10pm and they find a lump, very quickly a biopsy is happening. The information leaflet states that you can go back to work THE SAME DAY or the FOLLOWING DAY after the procedure. This is not true and what I want to voice here, is that the procedure shocks the body and the psyche. It is emotionally upsetting. What is required and what I do in the following days are find different ways to soothe my system.

·       I paddle my feet in the sea and record the sea and wind sound (the senses pay an important part in resilience)

·       I buy food I like (Lewis’s of Morecambe ice-cream, my mum makes me a roast dinner)

·       I read that 80% of breast lumps are benign and breast cancer is not usually sore, I type this into my phone to pop up as an alarm to remind me.

·       I minimise phone calls from friends and family by text (avoiding too much talking and mulling over)

·       I people watch on the promenade (I guess their name and occupation)

·       I sit with Reg and stroke his ears.

What I am explaining is Self-care, it is a very important aspect of resilience. In this case it is soothing the system after the fact and also during it. What I teach in my workshops is preventative self-care. A lot of people do some ‘one off’ self-care when they are already at their frazzled end, but it is about daily action in one form or another.

What transpires over the following days, is that Reg needs nursing in many different ways, the disease is aggressive and advanced. The steroid injection makes him very thirsty, he needs to go out more and to be made comfortable when sleeping. We get a routine, (he likes going around the Eric Morecambe statue) we buy tasty sausages and we make a point of remembering that although he is only 7 years old, he has had a fantastic life. He has been camping many times, to Piel Island on a rowing boat. He had swum with me in Morecambe Bay and in lakes. He has loved life a lot.

When I get up to take him out in the early hours 1am and 2am, I make a decision to appreciate being with him in the quiet. I notice what he is doing intently. The tides are high because of the autumn equinox, we listen to the waves in the dark. He has moments of confusion when he wanders and moments of closeness sat on the sea wall. He knows he is loved, we don’t rush to go back inside and back to bed.

My daughter is considerate, she thinks of his comfort at all times. I appreciate every day, but especially in these weeks how sensible she is and considerate. I take every opportunity to feed this back to her. Am I resilient about Reg dying, no I am not. I just make the decision to process it slowly, to cry when I want and look after him the best I can.

The resilience around my health comes from accepting the present, I don’t do ‘worry’ thinking. I don’t do ‘what if’. I do wait and see.

We don’t have the choice of wait and see with Reg, he is given another steroid injection but it doesn’t last as long and eventually he isn’t interested in real chicken gourmet strips and the vets advise it is time. On the same day I get a text and voicemail from school reminding me that if I haven’t already put my secondary school choices in for my son then the deadline is TONIGHT!

I am starting to think that if Antònio Guterres – the Secretary-General of the United Nations wants to pass his role to me at this time as well, I think I could just roll with it and maybe do a decent job.

So, the point is, I started off resilient, was that resilience constant towards the end of these events? No it was not. Feeling resilient was at its lowest point on waking, I had to do something active that involved the senses pretty early in the day to build that feeling of resilience (walking, washing my hair, tidying the lounge, paddling in the sea)

And the lump? - still painful, benign and in a very difficult place.

The other thing? – not quite resolved, needing further investigation.

Reg?  – R.I.P Our handsome, much loved and adored companion 02.11.18

If you are interested in resilience in Parenting join the Talking to Teenagers – help and support for teenagers and their parents group.