Teenagers toxic love…Parents can feel distressed and frustrated at the addictive nature of their teens relationship. What's the best way to manage it?

Every teenage relationship has an element of infatuation, they can be on the phone for hours on end, spending every free minute together at school, walking home together etc. This is how all the relationships start off, some remain healthy and happy but some become unhealthy in a short time.

Boundaries become blurred, identities become enmeshed and the teenager can quickly lose a sense of self.

This can become a huge breeding ground for jealousy. Jealousy is toxic in a relationship that has lost all perspective and the young person has no reference point to hold onto. It starts with probing questions that cause a little unsettling disagreement and progresses to checking phones and logging into each other’s social media. Both boys and girls talk about being ‘located’ on snapchat by their partner when in counselling sessions with me.

(parents and teenagers, please consider this for a moment, the 1980’s/90’s equivalent is hiring someone to see where we are all the time or some sort of tagging device)

It is obsessive behaviour.

If your teenager is experiencing the following things, then there are signs that there is manipulation and controlling aspects to their relationship.

· The feelings of happiness and excitement in the beginning have turned into sadness and despair.

· Their mood is dependent on how ‘well’ the relationship feels at present.

· They are confused about the relationship most of the time (in between the short good bits) they feel frustrated when explaining it and feel they need to justify the other persons behaviour.

· They obsess about the relationship and try to get their friends to analyse with them.

· There is constant anxiety ‘around’ the relationship

· Jealousy, insecurity and feeling misunderstood are things they experience now, but never used to.

· They express the fact that they don’t like losing their temper, but they feel so ‘on edge’ that it quickly tips into being angry from unsettled.

· They do things that makes them feel uncomfortable and that goes against their values in order to make their boyfriend/girlfriend happy.

· They believe that things will get better soon

· You as a parent frequently catch them crying, you also notice that they don’t have as much social life as they used to.

· There is a belief that no one understands their partner like them and no one has ever loved him/her like they do. The other person usually has a history of ‘being let down’ in relationships generally.

If your teenager is 15+ they can understand about boundaries and unhealthy relationships. They can stop the cycle of wishing the other person would change, forcing change, begging for it to be better. This sort of behaviour can bring despair that looks like insanity, pleading, threats and bribes. When there is no result from this vigorous influence it brings low self-esteem, more anger and anxiety in the hopelessness of the situation.

The maintaining factor to these destructive relationships is inconsistent caring (nothing and then a little bit of something, keeps you going) In attachment terms it is the cruellest sort of care, sometimes we can impact other people’s responses to us and it feels great like before and sometimes no matter how hard we try we can’t get heard. The addictive nature of these relationships is the belief that we can fix, mend, rescue, change the person into the kind of person we want in the relationship.

Like the next bet is going to win the race, the next argument, discussion, jealousy inducing tactic is going to work.

It feels horrible to watch your teenager go through this obvious destructive connection and its easy to think that your teenager isn’t giving back the terrible treatment that they are experiencing. In reality over time they will retaliate in a spiteful cycle of co-dependency.

Essentially the whole thing is about boundaries within a strong sense of self. Research suggests teenagers who have experienced a parent as emotionally unavailable have a predisposition to this ‘fixing’ behaviour. In my experience, this isn’t always true but is very common.

People talk about rights in life and relationships, but a slipping of boundaries within relationships is more insidious than this. To be on top of boundaries and rights you would have to read, digest and practice them every day.

A teenager would have to be tired of feeling sad and distressed in the relationship (this is usually when they are quite ‘ill’ with it) to learn and practice what it is they deserve not just in intimate relationships, but in relation to another. When my daughter experienced this I tentatively mentioned over time that I noticed her boyfriend was controlling and that if she needed help working it out that I was happy to listen. I shared a little of my own experience with the same situation in my early 20’s and I was able to talk about how she may be feeling (never underestimate the power of just a seed of thought being planted).

When teenagers are in these relationships, they believe that theirs is unique that its hard to explain and they feel alone and misunderstood, but like wives or husbands of people with any addiction there is a set of behaviours that run through these things. As Maya Angelou wrote “we are more alike, my friends, than we are unalike” This encouraging message is the basis for all collaborative support networks such as AA and NA.

I would suggest that as a parent you do not demand an end to the relationship or cut off all contact but work to make the environment one in which your teenager can talk about the relationship and you be supportive and attuned. Be honest and open, show them this blog and explain that you want to help. The first step is always knowledge and awareness.

This blog might just be that first step.