“I want to be unhappy, I want to be controlled to the point of exhaustion. I want to give up on doing things that fulfil me. I want to remain constantly confused, I want to have to check out every decision with my parents or partner. "

“I want to be unhappy, I want to be controlled to the point of exhaustion. I want to give up on doing things that fulfil me. I want to remain constantly confused, I want to have to check out every decision with my parents or partner. I want to be diminished to the point of hopelessness. I want to feel deeply sad for me and also deeply sad and sorry for the other person. I want to hope every day that this is going to change through me having courage or my parents, partner, boss, friend gaining awareness through some incident or event that forces the realisation on them.”

NOBODY sets out in life to feel like this!

Why a blog series on control and boundaries?

Probably because boundaries are the single most important change you can make today to improve your family relationships, your friendships, your working life and your parenting.

You could work on boundaries without learning about controlling behaviour, but people that have been controlled in childhood and adulthood would struggle to put the boundaries in place without first understanding the strong reaction they have when boundaries are required. It takes masses of daily reflection to recognise that there are a set of behaviours that run through controlling behaviour that is widely experienced by other people as well as you.

When you realise that these behaviours in their unique experience to you are also experienced by other people in slightly different contexts to yours, then there is a power in knowing that you have been subject to something that really exists.

The unhelpful people in your life will have you believe that setting boundaries and having limits is a selfish personality trait, but most of the people I have ever worked with who needed to put boundaries in place were kind and giving, that is why they needed appropriate boundaries.

People with healthy boundaries trust themselves and allow themselves to ‘just be’ in relationships while monitoring other people’s behaviour and exercising their boundaries.

When people behave in an unhealthy way towards us we end up angry, resentful and question ourselves as a person. Most of the time the control that requires boundaries has been exercised by trusted people such as our parents or partners. It is exercised for a long time when we have an uncertain sense of self in terms of being a child or being a partner.

What do healthy boundaries look like?

It’s not making excuses for other people’s harmful behaviour however much you understand and sympathise with the reasons behind it. It is keeping in mind your own personal values and rights as a person and believing actions instead of promises and pleading. It is about doing homework on the strongly held beliefs you have as a person; in relation to your upbringing and childhood experience with a willingness to change the way adult child and parent dynamic works.

Brené Brown (research professor and author) states “nothing is sustainable without boundaries, Boundary is not about division but respect” This is one of the truest things I have come to realise in my personal and professional life and I’d like to explore this topic with you over the coming weeks.

So, this series of blogs will address different types of parent and partner control, recognising the insidious nature of controlling behaviour. You will learn how we become resilient as we seek to change those patterns of relating. We will explore how we heal when our boundaries have been violated.

So, who’s in? It will need reflection and action.

 Please share in messenger you know someone who could benefit