Social pain is experienced when a person is excluded from
social connections, experiences rejection or bullying, it can be experienced
when a friend moves schools due to family circumstances.
Neuroscientists have discovered that when social pain is
experienced it activates the same brain regions as physical pain. Our biggest
emotional drive is to connect, its not about that others see us to be alone,
but that social connection brings rewards. Relationships bring validation,
understanding, feeling ‘got’. Relationships allow us to internally reflect on
our differences and allow these to be accepted without judgement.
Research suggests that non-inclusion is painful in a similar
way as active rejection. The individual’s self-esteem and self-concept are tied
up in the acceptance from ‘the other’
So, what happens when adolescent developmental tasks come
alongside social pain?
Nearly all of the teenage clients I see that experience
acute social anxiety have had a distressing episode of social exclusion and
isolation in the early to middle years of secondary school. This is different
to a teenager experiencing exclusion over a short period of time say 3 or 4
days, the rupture is repaired and the teenager engages once more and the
identity formation continues along a healthy trajectory
However, if a teenager experiences non-inclusion through a
friend leaving school say or a purposeful exclusion by a group of other
teenagers and this happens more than once or over a prolonged period of time,
then the teenager starts to internalize these events and forms certain core
beliefs that are hard to change over time. The following tasks are affected in
the following ways
·
It becomes difficult for the teenager to construct
hypotheses and plan ahead as the exclusion is unpredictable, it has an element
of surprise and confusion, research suggests that the confusion within an event
contributes to the lingering of social pain.
·
Their ability to form new perspectives on friendships
is impaired due to the change in expectations of support in the future and
one’s future social prospects (will I make and keep friends)
·
Their learning in conflict resolution is
hindered as they have no starting point in which to tackle the problem, it
seems to have no reason. In turn decision making and problem solving do not get
a chance to be exercised and practised.
·
Capacity for empathy is affected as the teenager
cannot start to see how this behaviour is caring for others, it is not caring
for others which again adds confusion.
·
Mutual trust is affected as people are proving
to be less dependable.
·
The renegotiation of the parenting roles is
affected, in so much as the teenager experiences his/her parents as dependable
and loving. This meets the drive to connect and, in some cases, an over
reliance on parents is formed.
What does all this lead to over time. It leads to a teenager
that questions if they are loveable and acceptable. They may start to believe
they are intrinsically flawed as a person, they will become constantly fearful
of rejection. If experienced for long enough the teenager feels that
friendships are a source of pain, they are left desperately wanting the
connection, but fearing it also.
Teenagers experiencing this type of social pain feel sad,
irritable and anxious, they have feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness.
They feel tired all the time as their sleep is disrupted and they are keyed up
by the school environment.
It is excruciatingly painful, not in the body but in the
heart.
A noticing is needed from parents to prevent this from
happening over time. Not in an intrusive way, but an ‘eye on the ball’ approach
throughout secondary. You may pick up on the tail end of a conversation to do
with a fall out, you may notice they don’t arrange anything with friends
outside school. Take note of friends leaving the school to move to other areas
and how your teenager has spent their breaks and dinner. When your teenager reports that they feel
lonely then you must speak to school, ask pastoral staff to speak to teachers
to see if there is any interaction in class.
School can actively look for clubs in lunchtime or know of
other teenagers experiencing the same thing. As parents you can look for
activities outside of school that are small enough in numbers for anxiety
levels but large enough to help develop friendships that the teenager wants.
Music based community activities, sport, young club etc.
If you belong to a big family, then try and organise
gatherings where your teenager can hang out with cousins and extended family
members their age. Speak to siblings about including them (hard I know) but
explain the reasons why it is important at this time.
The learning outcomes of friendships in teenage years are
trust in others to be dependable, to allow ourselves to be vulnerable but
accepted within that and to feel as a person we are loveable and acceptable.
The lasting effects of social pain cannot be overstated. To
experience exclusion and isolation at such a crucial age is so damaging to the
sense of self. Let’s help our teenagers to connect.
#talkingtoteenagers
Comments
Post a Comment