Anxiety Lesson 8 - Asserting yourself !

Anxiety lesson 8

Asserting yourself

Assertive behaviour helps control anxiety levels, it reduces feelings of emotional and everyday overwhelm. To be assertive you need self-awareness, you need to figure out what worries you, be able to recognise mounting stress, be able to recognise the feeling of being overwhelmed. When you have become quite good at this you have to practice treating yourself as you would a friend or a relative that you look after. If a friend or relative was being put upon, I am guessing you would eagerly stand up for their right to make their own decision and exercise their own autonomy. This is something that is required for you to become assertive.

On top of this knowledge you will need to practice the belief that you have a right to ask for what you want and have a boundary of what is acceptable behaviour (from others) in your life.

For young people this is tricky because for adult’s, their life experience and the feelings that it leaves us with, is an indicator to what we don’t want in our lives. Saying this, I have worked with plenty of young people that have been able to understand and except why someone would treat them a certain way, but also not put up with that behaviour and except it.

Let’s look at what non-assertive behaviour looks like.

Non-assertive behaviour is when is when you agree to something to meet somebody else’s wants and needs while ignoring your rights and needs. If you do give people the message that you are not certain you have the right to make a decision in your best interests or don’t have the right to meet your own needs, other people will most likely ignore your uncertain stance and push for their needs. This non-assertive communication is usually a want to be pleasing and liked by everyone, but soon leads feelings to overwhelm.

Aggressive behaviour (which some people mistake as assertive) is self-centred and unpleasant, I would like to say that aggressive communication is easy to notice, but it isn’t (not the same as passive-aggressive). You would need to look out for a raising of the voice and what it physically does to your heartbeat and tummy in the moment. Sometimes it starts with

“Are you saying that”

“Are you trying to say”

“I can’t believe, I feel insulted”

Aggressive communication is insensitive and the resulting feeling is of being wounded and emotionally hurt.

Passive aggressive communication

Passive aggressive communication is not confronting the issue with an honest conversation, but instead it is something like this

“well I can put it to the other staff, but I can’t imagine they will be pleased, I can’t guarantee what their actions will be” (threatening)

For teenagers their response is usually a mixture of half angry/sulky/guilt inducing. E.g. “yeah it upset me a little bit, why wouldn’t it, I’m not sure I can come to the birthday meal on Saturday now, mum says I need to do more stuff I enjoy with my other friends” this can be said to someone in person, but with teenagers it is usually text or message. (notice it communicates sulky, threat of isolation and disapproval)

Long pauses in conversation also are sometimes a way for somebody to be passive aggressive. It indicates disagreement, but also makes you feel uncomfortable.

So, what does assertive behaviour look like?

It is asking for what you want without apologising. Responding to requests with an honest answer in a direct way. It is honouring your wants and needs, knowing you are allowed to do this. In a nut shell it is about meeting your own needs whilst respecting the other through direct communication. People like the directness of it, they know where they stand.

So at the beginning of this blog I spoke about self-awareness and knowing what worries you and what you feel in relation to other people.

It might be helpful to think about which people you are non-assertive with, here are some suggestions

Parents

Fellow workers

School friends

Old friends

Spouse

Employer

Mother in law

Sales people, clerks, hired help

Now think about when you behave non-assertively.

Stating a difference of opinion

Expressing feelings

Saying no

Voicing when something annoys you

When someone criticises you

Making requests

Suggesting an idea

Dealing with people who try and make you feel guilty

Making a complaint

You could rate the above in degrees of discomfort and next week we will be discussing how we can become more assertive, including non-verbal behaviour, recognising your rights, learning assertive responses. And information on how you can role play this in your spare time.

Not a sales pitch but for people who are experiencing non-assertive behaviour in the work place, if you would like some help and strategies to make your working environment more pleasant. Please contact Ruth at www.theconsultcentre.com with over 22 years of business management and assertiveness training, she can help you feel more assertive in every area of your life.

 Please share if you have liked this blog and no someone who may benefit.