When was it that we agreed to buy the Adidas, and pay their mobile bill...without expecting cooperation?

When was it that we agreed to buy the Adidas, and pay their mobile bill...without expecting cooperation.

Appropriate for this time of year, when requests are frequent but a helping attitude is not.

Back in the summer, a friend explained that they were trying to get a break down south at their parents with their two children, one 9 and one 14. The 14-year-old was refusing to go. My friend was asking ' what am I meant to do, physically man handle him into the car?'

I looked over at the teenager son riding a £190 scooter with Nike trainers and Adidas tracksuit, talking on his iPhone 6 and said to myself “THIS IS ALL THE WRONG WAY AROUND”

When did we start to feel so disempowered in the investment/return arrangement of our children?

The teenager version of adult life looks like this. You leave for work 5 minutes before your meant to arrive there, you arrive and sit at your desk with your arms folded and your head on the desk. Every now and again you grunt an answer at someone who has interrupted you, making you remove your earphones. You go to the coffee machine in the hall and make a conscious effort to disagree with everything everyone says in a loud and obnoxious manner; you spread your stuff over other peoples work surface and when they complain, you insist the problem is theirs because they require everywhere to be so tidy.

You do little work, because someone is posting funny stuff from the Lad Bible on Facebook. Your generally unpleasant to be around as you are the absolute expert on everything in the whole of the universe, but nobody wants to point this out because it zaps their energy to think about trying to put their opinion across.

Lunchtime comes and its always been an hour for lunch but you decide that isn’t long enough, so you come back from lunch 20 minutes late with a blank look on your face and when the others stare, you shout ‘God its only 20 minutes, chill out’

Afternoon break comes and the boss passes you in the corridor and checks you have understood the brief for Friday and enquires as to your preparations, you roll your eyes and with a defensive stance make him feel he is completely overstepping the mark by asking anything of you. He backs down and says he will check in with you at the end of the day. You stomp off muttering loudly that it’s an oppressive regime.

The boss checks in with you at the end of the day, it’s 5.02pm the official finish is 5.00pm and you make a point of saying he is lucky that you are still there. He asks about the costings you promised to do… by today and you say ‘There just hasn’t been the time, I did collect some water cups for the water dispenser though, they were right at the back of the cupboard, so really I’ve done my bit and can I just ask about the Christmas bonus and I need to upgrade my work phone to an iPhone X

You wouldn’t get away with it would you? But lately my teenager has been getting away with the teenage equivalent in my house, and quite frankly its exhausting and irritating in equal measure. If somebody had said to you that this bundle of joy would grow up to ensure that you go to work just to pay the bills and buy crap that is more important than your crap and then they’re going to make life as miserable as they possibly can between your age of 35-60, you would surely say…umm no thanks.

It is true that being a teenager has never been so hard, but that doesn’t mean we let them off the hook with the things that really matter. Yes, they can have the expensive crap they want, but they have to fit in around family members and try. Relationships are a two-way thing, working for a business is a two-way thing. They cannot expect the trappings of a good life and not follow the rules.

Obviously, I have to do the basics, school bus pass, lunch money, clothes, food etc. Do I have to buy the Converse and the MAC makeup when my daughter is being obnoxious and not following the rules…no I don’t.

This is how I dealt with it last week.

• I considered what the problem was
• I made an appointment to talk to her, “tomorrow night I want to see you to chat at 6 o clock, please make sure your free”
• I then stated what the behavior was. The occasions the behavior had been repeated (your teenager cannot then say oh come on, what… once!)
•  I then pointed out the affect it has on everybody else. So, the outcome for others

ü  B Behavior

ü  R repeat of behavior

ü  O outcome for others

• I then empathized that its hard being a teenager etc.
• And then we made an agreement where some of the privileges were removed until things improved and all family members felt other family members were being helpful. 

I got a rolling of the eyes and a promise to try harder, an agreement to meet me a 1/3^rd of the way (half was being optimistic)

When I was a teenager I was expected to set the table, help stack the dishwasher, not swear at my siblings and not try and continue lying when the game was up. I really didn’t want to do all these things, I wanted to sit in my bedroom and listen to music while not doing my homework, but if I didn’t do these tasks I didn’t get the rewards.

So, I do not want to put up with my teenager sulking and stomping about when I am cramming in school productions, present buying, Christmas decorating, work, laundry, giving lifts and work’s Christmas do.

In fact, I don’t want to put up with it at any time, when I’m working hard to pay the mortgage and live a little, while they believe they run the show.  

Yes, I can be attuned to her and support her, but I can’t let her off the hook. Because if I let her off the hook, I am setting her up to fail when she’s required to deliver on the things she gets paid for.

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#talkingtoteenagers