Maintaining causes of anxiety
Avoidance is a major player in the maintenance of anxiety,
avoiding an activity or object (external stimulus) or an image, memory
(internal stimulus) will ensure your anxiety remains firmly in place. Avoidance
feels good because it gives us a major feeling of relief, you don’t have to
tolerate the terrible anxious state. All the time we do this though we are
hardwiring our anxiety.
A less extreme version of avoidance is to face the anxiety
provoking situation, but to employ safety behaviours, these are things we do
that allow us to get through the situation (some people would describe it as
endure the situation) When people suffer acute paralysing anxiety they describe
living as just surviving. If you think about safety behaviours as shields that
prevent new learning taking place, for example:
·
Sit on the edge of a group, not really
interacting and hoping you won’t be noticed.
·
Taking the children to an event where you would
feel anxiety so you won’t be able to experience panic and face the fear, as you
have to keep it together and they are a distraction.
·
Don’t ask questions and avoid talking about
yourself.
·
Avoid situations where you are assessed on a
formal level, driving test, fundraising for the PTA, not putting yourself
forward for a promotion.
Self-talk/beliefs
The things we say to ourselves are rocket fuel for anxiety,
they can come from comparisons with other people, “she’s cleverer, smarter,
stronger, funnier, successful, organised”
MOST OF ANXIETY IS ABOUT THINKING WE WONT COPE, but when do
we ever think in detail about what not coping would look like and what
practical steps we would take in that situation.
Withheld feelings
This creates base line anxiety and comes from feelings of
frustration, sadness, shame, Anger. My clients who suffer with social anxiety
usually have unexpressed anger from a time when they felt powerless in an
episode of exclusion, isolation, suppression, ridicule. We can feel angry at
other people but believe if we express this and show that side of us then we
will be further rejected and so the cycle continues. Unexpressed anger
manifests as anxiety.
Lack of assertiveness
This is similar to the above, lack of assertiveness breeds
resentment. What happens is that you are accommodating, you don’t state your
need or point of view and you end up being put upon and overlooked this is turn
makes you feel overwhelmed which causes anxiety.
Teenagers can suffer with this in terms of being the
emotional rock for friends or being the one who takes on more in the group
activity. It can also happen with parents when the teenager can’t express a
want or need due to parent’s ill health/fragile state ect.
Coping capacity
When we have experienced anxiety for years and feel we have
just about managed to get through life presenting a different self, we start to
believe that we haven’t got any real coping capacity. if something truly
terrible were to happen to us or our families then we would be convinced that
we don’t have the strength, strategies, resolve and experience to get through
it. Christine Padesky who is a leader in her field of Cognitive behaviour
therapy talks about developing an assertive defence of self to reduce anxiety. This
is where you practice facing challenging statements in the therapy room,
learning how to be assertive and resilient for the outside world. This is
something we will discuss later in the series.
Meaningful purpose
Sometimes when we don’t have a meaningful purpose that gives
us focus and energy, we become frustrated and agitated, we perceive that we are
trapped, leading to sense of boredom and dissatisfaction, this along with high
stress factors such as children with additional needs, difficult family
dynamics, repetitive work, lead to anxiety being experienced.
In the case of teenagers, I have noticed that if my clients
don’t feel a sense of creativity in their lives where they can escape from the
high stress of GCSE’s, family dynamics and friendship issues, life start to
feel like a daily grind from a very young age.
A note on social media and anxiety
We were not built to sit around all day with flickering eyes
watching one video after the next. Our bodies were created for movement whether
that be running to hunt down an animal or movement through music or competitive
sports. I have worked with lots of teenagers to reduce their screen time and
incorporate more movement into their daily lives and they always report their
anxiety lessening as a result. There are lots of ways to incorporate it, not
just running or family walks, I will discuss this further into the series of
blogs.
Take a quick look below and consider what factors may be
maintaining your anxiety
o
Avoidance of phobic situations
o
Negative self-talk, anticipating bad outcomes
o
Mistaken beliefs about ourselves and other
people
o
Withheld/denied feelings
o
Lack of assertiveness and belief in lowered
coping capacity
o
Lack Meaningful purpose
o
Ruminating which backs up the anxiety from the
back end maintains anxiety, you recall distressing experiences over again,
trying to work out how you could have made it different. You link these
together and form a storyline that reinforces a core belief “it was always
going to go wrong, I’m crap at being a leader, girlfriend, friend”
So how can I work on
one thing this week, I hear you say?
Well ruminating about the perceived failures reinforces the
belief in lowered coping capacity. Most people have a collection of good and
bad episodes, some have lasted months others are a singular thing you have said
or done that you wish you hadn’t.
In order for you to start to build the notion that you are ‘capable
and strong’, you will need to take some time in the day where you consciously think
about the things that have gone right, the situations you managed well.
PLEASE NOTE: THIS IS NOT THE SAME AS CHANGING NEGATIVE SELF
TALK IN THE MOMENT, THIS WILL STILL CONTINUE… we will come onto that at a later
stage.
This involves thinking of your challenges as survival and
strength, not in terms of defeat, because you didn’t handle X, Y and Z right.
So, I am going to give you some of my examples, please note
I have to practice this every day, it is like a mental muscle that grows stronger
with exercise.
·
I found help for my son when I realised there
was a developmental problem. As a result he received portage services, speech
and language therapy and the correct monitoring from children paediatrician
services.
·
I didn’t pass the grammar test like my three
older siblings, but I developed a strong sense of empathy and understanding for
the people that have got more to offer than academia.
·
The teachers picked up on my hearing impairment
when I was 8, I was behind in my learning but I had developed a skill in
creative poetry and pottery alongside this. I also developed a strong love of
reading in this time, that has continued to bring me great comfort, it also
informs my writing, or should I say gives me the confidence to write.
·
I had a turbulent and abusive relationship in my
20’s, but it taught me what I didn’t want and gave me a strength to move
through things instead of around them.
·
My dad died when I was 14, it was incredibly sad
for a long time. It taught me that things don’t stay crap forever. We miss him
as a family every day, he was so unique and larger than life. However, I now
have a step dad who is equally encouraging, calm, considered and positive in
his approach. Asking why is ok for a little while, but after a time it attracts
more negative emotions and prevents you from dealing with other more important
emotions.
Okay, so the flip negative side of these is:
·
Why does it have to be my son that struggles and
needs all these services?
·
Why couldn’t I go to grammar, like the others? I
am stupid and being clever really matters. It was the exam pressure, I’m no
good with exams.
·
Why did I have to catch up on that work, I wish I
didn’t sit at the front of the class. I wish I had been up to speed and I would
have done something with my life MUCH sooner. I would be ‘successful’.
·
Why was he abusive? It was about me and my
reactions to things. I wish I didn’t have to go through that. I shouldn’t have
had to go through that.
·
I made that bad choice of a boyfriend because my
dad died. Everything leads back to dad dying. People who lose a parent during
teenager years really suffer. What is the positives about someone dying? People
think they have it tough, but they have both of their parents.
Here is a little insight for you. THIS IS NOT EASY!! It
takes practice. Some of you may do meditation or running or emptying the
dishwasher (if you’ve got your teenager to complete this task spontaneously, please
get in contact to advise how) Then you have the time every day to complete this
homework. This really matters because all the time it is reinforcing the
failure thinking. Let’s get on top of this… and then move through the
maintaining causes/habits going forward.
It is important that you do not do this in a ‘everything is positive, nothing is tough’ kind
of way. That isn’t what this is about, we are accepting that it was
crap/tough/distressing ect, but we are choosing to focus on what it gave us, so
that we can be on top of things when it doesn’t feel like we are.
For teenagers to do this, it is a bit tougher because they
have less years of life experience, but it’s still possible.
If you as a teenager would like some practice at this… or as
a parent you think your teenager may benefit, then please go to Talking to Teenagers
on Facebook and leave a comment on the original post. I will do a live video
with teenagers using your profile (mum or dad) if they do not have one of their
own and we will do a lesson on this to get you started.
Please comment in the comment box how this goes for you, it
is sort of homework. Or please comment on the Facebook post itself. Also, if
you have enjoyed this blog please comment, like and share.
#Talkingtoteenagers
Comments
Post a Comment