SCHOOL SOCIAL ANXIETY HELL!

‘Everybody form your own groups.’…SCHOOL SOCIAL ANXIETY HELL!

Social anxiety typically begins early to mid-adolescence, the median age onset is in fact 13 years of age. School can be unbearable for teenagers experiencing social anxiety, a time when physical changes are happening, people are forming friendship groups and the drift from parents is naturally widening.

Teenagers can find themselves lonely and emotionally alone.

So, teenagers take note, the following things are contributing factors in anxiety you may feel in social situations.

Self-focused behaviour

When all your attention is focused inwards, you are concentrating on things such as ‘how anxious do I appear’ ‘can they see I am shaking’ ‘am I appearing normal’. These thoughts block the natural flow of conversation, as does thinking what you are going to say when the other person has said what they want to say. This can be taken as you not being interested.

Social performance expectations

This is about the young person thinking a conversation has to be a certain way.

I need to be confident, I need to be interesting, I need to be witty I am sure this have been reinforced by the term ‘banter’ and that every young person believes they should be the next Russell Howard, turning out funny quips and being the life and soul of the gathering. It is ok to have nothing to contribute to the conversation and sit quietly, this aids reflective thinking and shows you are truly listening.

People with social anxiety sometimes feel that pauses in conversation are a sign it isn’t going well. Pauses ARE a natural part of conversation, without them people feel they are being talked at.

Core beliefs

These are quite hard wired and they take some work to change, examples of negative social core beliefs are ‘I’m boring’ ‘people don’t tend to like me’ ‘I don’t fit in’ These are beliefs that have been formed over years through bad experiences in social situations, but don’t reflect what your positive qualities are as a person. However, these thoughts totally influence your social interactions.

How you think about others

How you evaluate other people’s intentions has a direct influence on the fear you feel in social situations, such as ‘people are critical’ ‘people are always judging others’ ‘people are cruel’ This is often the case in teenagers nowadays where everyone is grouped into the popular, sporty, nerdy groups. The popular kids have the same worries, trust me, they have just chosen a different defence tactic (loud and shouty)!

How you think about disapproval from others

Ultimately this is about rejection, if others disapprove of me… I will be left out, If I don’t agree with other’s… I will be excluded, to embarrass myself in front of others would be dreadful. The impossibility of the situation is that those things are happening now, people with social anxiety have isolated themselves. Work can be done to strengthen the young person's resilience around disapproval, but the main work is about them learning that disapproval is not the end of the world.  

These thinking habits can be worked on with a fully trained therapist or alternatively, young people can work through their social anxiety with the use of this book, and an aunty or close family friend (I wouldn't recommend a parent)

The Shyness and Social Anxiety Workbook for Teens: CBT and ACT skills to Help You Build Social Confidence (An Instant Help Book for Teens) - Jennifer shannon 

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