Why do the arguments escalate – emotional language is part of the reason, here is an alternative.

 

There are three aspects that lead to us using emotive language and catastrophising with our teens…Worry, panic and anger.

It is hard not to worry, worry is the ‘digital age’ parent default mode. Of course, parents have always worried about their children through the generations, but not to this level. It seems to permeate through our lives, as the mental health crisis grows within the child and adolescent population it makes sense that it travels upwards to the parents.

 

We are anxious and frustrated at being anxious, this leads to a less-than-ideal way of responding. We all do it. We find ourselves reflecting on the confrontation later and wishing we had responded differently and certainly chosen our words and tone for the better.

Research suggests that mothers exhibit more negative affect in terms of angry responses with girls, whereas with boys, mothers exhibited more negative affect in terms of outward expression of anxiety, leading to panic.

I have spoken before about worry, and if you feel persistent worry is a problem for you then you can read that blog here https://helenharveycounselling.blogspot.com/2018/01/anxiety-lesson-7-lets-evaluate-our.html

What we need to try and do is think about better responses and also something somatically that I will go on to discuss later in this blog.

Teenagers hang onto the things they find hurtful, they come back at you with something you have said 3 weeks ago that seemed to have blown over, they stand there angry or tearful and remind you of something said in the heat of the moment that now makes you cringe with regret.

It is important to remember not to have conversations when they are turning to go up the stairs or when they have their head in the fridge, be mindful of them feeling cornered. For more information on this, you can read the better relationship guide, you can purchase that here

https://www.talkingtoteenagers.co.uk/product-page/building-a-better-relationship-guide

So here are some examples of what we might say and some better alternatives

“easily led” – “sometimes I notice you are hesitant/ or sometimes I notice that you just go with the flow”

“I’m Angry” – “I’m probably frustrated”

“Selfish” - “sometimes I wonder if you may be able to stop and think about the impact on the family/friends”.

“This is not a hotel” - “Sometimes I think I feel overlooked, these changes come quickly once you get to secondary school and they are hard to get used to”.

“It feels like nothing has changed since we last spoke” – “I do notice when you have made an effort, sometimes I might focus on the bad stuff too much… that comes from worry, I’m not purposely trying to be negative”

“I feel like I’m nagging so we will finish it there and speak in a bit”.

“It was a stupid decision” – “Well, I think in time it will be a decision you will learn a lot from”.

“I feel like I’m the only one that actually does any housework around here” – “Your jobs today are the dishwasher and the dog walk; I’m just reminding you so don’t bite my head off”.

I am frightened that you… - “I am concerned that the situation will remain unchanged/become dangerous if etc”.

Avoid using strong language repeatedly such as:

Pathetic

Monster/scary/threatening/bully

Just like your dad/just like your mum – terrible mistake to make the comparison of this type.

If you had just listened in the first place – I did say that, but sometimes lessons have to be felt in real life and not taught by old nags/fogies like me (remember that humour was the number one thing to stop a tantrum in toddlerhood, it works with teenagers sometimes as well).

You can in your quiet moments think of your own version of the neutral attuned language. The language that gets the point across but doesn’t wound the teenager.

It’s win: win all round because you won’t get as stressed and angry which will feel much better and also you don’t lose your credibility while delivering the central message. The above statements will not feel natural to begin with, but you can find your own version. Practice makes improvement.

Now, more than any other time we need to invest in ourselves. It is the time to reset and introduce different strengths into our lives.

To help us keep calm and be able to think of better responses in the moment we have to look after ourselves somatically, what is the easiest way to do this?... Through breathwork.

You may be saying “I don’t know how to do that” or “I don’t believe it will make that much of a difference”.

Just to clarify, it is not the same as meditation if you have tried that.

There is empirical support for the idea that sustained inhibited breathing patterns can develop in response to stressful environments. In short, the way we breath contributes to our tense and panicked state.

Below is an exert from a research paper published 2017 talking about the benefits of breathwork in 1:1 session.

“Client experience of breathwork can include novel somatic experiences including increased awareness of tension, energy flows and sensations, along with brief occurrences of heightened arousal including increased emotionality, sadness, frustration and fear (observed clinically as tearfulness or restlessness, for example).  It is well accepted that breathing, relaxation and meditative practices can create greater subjective physiological awareness (Schwartz & Schwartz, 1996; Smith, 1988). Autonomic nervous system effects tend towards overall parasympathetic dominance (relaxation). On completion of a session clients generally report a state of mental clarity, profound relaxation and sense of wellbeing.  Anecdotal client reports of change as sessions progress include spontaneous cognitive and behavioural insights, improved interpersonal functioning, and sense of, and desire for, increased authenticity”

Lalande 2011, Breathwork: An Additional Treatment Option for Depression and Anxiety?

Pretty convincing reading!

Here are some things to help with breathing correctly. It won’t come over night, it takes practice like anything. Regular checking of breathing throughout the day and also set aside time to do the breathing exercises will help to develop into a habit.

Breathe app (free) – looks like this on iPhone, not sure about android.

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=breathing+exercises+

Spotify – And Breathe by Rebecca Dennis, you can also find Rebecca Dennis on Youtube.

There is also a book on YouTube. It is very informative and full of practical breathing exercises; the link is here  https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0578758016/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_MT5FE58VBN2FCY7100BM

It is definitely worth a try!