Why removing the mobile phone may make the problem worse. 3 minute read

It is difficult to know what the right thing is to do; we are the first generation as parents to experience addictions to technology. We are the first generation to tackle the use of Snapchat, TickTock and Instagram.


Also, Facetime is a gamechanger, they can be connected to their friends in the privacy of there own homes, but that alters our levels of privacy within the family. How many parents have said ‘were you just on call when I was talking to your sister, were you just on call when I’m shouting for your brother to be ready?’


We are the second generation of parents where mental health in children and parents is acknowledged.


We are in a terrible position; we have a greater awareness but with no solution.

Two things are at play here, phone removal may be for two different reasons. First let’s look at what phone usage may or may not be doing to teenagers.


Research has suggested that more than 23% of young people have a dysfunctional relationship with their smart phones. Findings suggested it caused anxiety and depression and it prevented teens from carrying out other tasks vital to development. A leading expert Amy Orben has stated that the definition of problematic use varied so considerably amongst different studies that the findings could be contested although they proved that more research needed to be carried out.


I have touched upon phone use and social media in a previous post that you can read here.https://helenharveycounselling.blogspot.com/2017/11/a-salute-to-j17-magazine-engaged.html


Some parents remove the phone or reduce use because of the general concern outlined above, but some parents remove the phone as a consequence to other behaviour. If the behaviour is inappropriate phone use such as:

·       Prank calling

·       Bullying

·       Intimate photos being sent

·       Buying drugs

then this course of action makes sense to the teenager, (after a thorough discussion where everyone listens), it has a direct action and consequence. In other instances when the misbehaviour is not related to phone use, teenagers struggle to understand the decision and think it is a bit desperate. They also feel that if the phone is removed and they are grounded and there are other consequences then its an over reaction that devalues the parent’s stance and distorts the message. 


Moreover, teenagers say that the consequence doesn’t work anyway. Another worry is that the phone will be looked through and monitored while in the parent’s possession. Teenagers say it isn’t a case of having something to hide, but that it is intrusive generally. Beth Peters, a clinical psychologist who works with teenagers and their families states that the removal of the phone has ‘an emotional backlash, a breakdown of the parent- child relationship’.  


Dr Steiner-Adair states that “You don’t have to take the whole phone away, if your child goes on Snapchat or Instagram and sends an inappropriate photo then delete that app from their phone. Don’t be too intense”.


Teenagers have fed back to me that they feel it is a low blow by parents, in some cases phone confiscation has been used as a leverage tool in socially anxious or depressed teenagers that can’t get themselves to school or to family events.


A male client recently described to me that he couldn’t go on holiday when he was in his lowest place emotionally, his mum was advised to remove his phone. His words were that ‘I went for a walk and wasn’t overly sure I was coming back, not because I am addicted to my phone but because it was my only life line to the outside world.


I think it is a tricky topic that requires a lot of thought to find that balance that demonstrates you are meeting them half way whilst applying consequences. When I first bought my son a phone before he started secondary, I created a contract similar to the one pictured…has he stuck to it? loosely yes. I don’t look through his phone though or that of his sisters. I try to demonstrate a level of trust that means I am approachable whilst being aware of what might be occurring through his behaviour or what he brings to the conversation.

I have had to remove it once due to prank calls. I remove it from his room at night time and when we are doing other stuff that requires some level of sensible conversation that is more than monosyllabic.


On a personal level, I think it is disruptive to sleep an hour before bedtime. I also think it hinders emotional literacy and creates an additional space from which they can’t relax.

We are learning in this era of new technology without a blue print. We should be kinder on ourselves if we get it wrong.


Professor Russell Viner President of Royal College of Paediatrics and Child Health said part of the solution is open and regular conversations based on respect and trust.


I suppose the most important thing is that all the consequence need to feel fair and that it relates directly to the action.



More teenage views on this topic can be found here
https://girlillawarfare.com/teens-on-punishmenttaking-away-the-cell-phone-does-not-work/

Mell Watt’s phone contract can be found here along with the article.  
https://www.unilad.co.uk/technology/mums-super-strict-17-rule-contract-for-son-to-have-a-phone-is-a-must-for-all-parents/



https://www.instagram.com/melwatts/