“My mum just lost it, like it was a big deal” Parents please read about which battles to fight and which to ignore (3 minute read)

Sometimes the theme of my sessions with teenagers, is about the overreaction from parents. My clients feel that by parents doing this over most things that their position becomes weakened and ineffectual. It’s like the parents lose a bit of their sway by losing the teenagers respect.

How many times have you heard yourself say... “for goodness sake, just stop arguing, why do you always argue?

The simple answer to this rhetorical question is that the teenager needs to be heard, why? because they just do, it’s a thing that they can’t help.

So, with that in mind you can consider that arguing with your teenager makes them better at arguing (something which you will suffer for later)

So which things are not worth the hassle of arguing?

1)      Eye rolling…irritating yes, just ignore, it is not a reason to shout and totally lose it.

2)      Slamming doors…you just have to say that if the door frame collapses they will be paying for a new one and they will be without a door until they save up. (believe me they want the privacy)

3)      Losing phone, front door key, expensive item of clothing, don’t bother with the meltdown. Replace the phone with Nokia 3310 for communication purposes. The other stuff just state ‘that it must be an inconvenience to wait for the next birthday or Christmas’ and leave it there.

4)      Outfit choice: when they look like someone from a cheerleading competition or the mosh pit from black sabbath concert it is important to state that you like their free spirit and their ability to exercise autonomy.

5)      Moodiness…They are not going to tell you everything, a courteous enquiry about their wellbeing is enough; any more after that and you are guaranteed to irritate the life out of them and be accused of being nosey and controlling. THIS WILL LEAD TO AN ARGUMENT.

6)      Personal comment about your conduct or communication you can ignore…a personal attack on you as a person or your personality (name calling such as bitch or bastard needs addressing) but not a full-on meltdown.

7)      Being 30 mins late in does not require a serious argument, but a statement from you that the next lift they require to meet their friends will be 30 minutes late. What if they tell you a false time? You just set off more than 30 minutes later to everything in the next week (I’d go for 40 minutes late)

8)      Every time you get a call from school re homework not done or detention etc. No need for an argument, just remove the electrical cable to the Wi-Fi box for a couple of hours or maybe Xbox cable. (let them know in advance that this is the arrangement)

9)      When they say

“dad says,”

“step mum says”

“Stepdad says”

If you are divorced they can’t help this, that person/persons are in the teenager’s life as well. If it’s about a birth parent, that person was in the child’s life when things were going well and everybody believed things would last forever. He/she is half that person, that is not the teenager’s fault.

10)   When they say ‘it’s pathetic, it’s shit, you’re an idiot’ I good response is “that’s unfortunate” …keep it simple.

The key with all the above is no negative emotion, no shouting and remember you love them (keep a lovely photograph on the fridge to remind you of that)

 Things that need a stern conversation with some consequences which may lead to an argument.

·       Punching holes in walls, destroying the house. It is your house and you pay a lot of money to live there and keep it going. Destroy your own room yes but don’t make it horrible for everyone else by making things in the house look ugly.

·       Lying, stealing from you, needs serious ‘take no no-nonsense stance.

·       Treating siblings horribly by saying horrible things or winding them up or physically hurting them.

·       Threatening you, physically or verbally through the teenager’s words or actions.

·       Threatening other people in their life e.g. friends, ex friends, teachers, people in authority.

The reason why the above needs swift and direct action is because it is about boundaries. Their boundaries and other peoples.

When teenagers learn about their own boundaries and in turn other peoples, it helps not only towards behaviour management but future happiness. Lots of autonomy and happiness is lost in relationships by people who have no concept of boundaries.

Lots of my teenage clients talk about not taking the parent seriously and that the argument is weakened by ‘going off on one’.

If we want to remain credible we have to save our energy and choose our battles wisely.