Skip to main content

The time is now – yes now, it's the right time!






The time is now – yes now, is the right time!

I love swimming, this is how it goes for me. If I don’t swim, I start to feel a little overwhelmed and a little anxious. So, I have started training again and I have signed up to swim the length of Loch Earn in September and after that, maybe in 2019/2020 to swim from Spain to Morocco.

I except this is extreme, but I love swimming. I’m not a fast or brilliant swimmer by the way but I love it.

I recently had a conversation with my good friend and fellow counsellor about wish lists and goals, she has a 15-year-old and a 22-year-old. Both have been a challenge, both children have created their fair share of stress.

She simply said, “do it because when is the right time, are you waiting for it to be easier, it might not ever be easier. Are you waiting for the kids to grow up, Helen you will be 50 then, I hope you want to swim the Gibraltar strait at 50, but there is a good chance you won’t. Are you waiting to feel fitter, more on top of things, there is always going to be something and I’ve realised that you have to face things with courage and except they will keep coming”

Your teenager in teenage years (and certainly younger children) are never going to say,

·       I totally see you need a break mum, so I’ll stop causing aggro and be better at school

·       I know you’ve always wanted to XYZ mum so I’m going to stop causing you huge amounts of stress and act like a reasonable, responsible teenager.

·       Mum I can totally see your point of view, Joe is a bad influence because he smokes weed and acts like a div at the weekend.

·       I know my actions cause you to have on average 5 hours sleep a night and you feel paralysed with anxiety about my future years, so I’m going to dump the ‘bad news’ girlfriend and study 4 hours a day.

THIS IS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN; YOUR TEENAGERS ARE NEVER GOING TO SAY THIS.

So, if you are waiting until you lose weight, get financially straight, be anxiety free, be separated, get the house sorted, have a better relationship with your mum, be more organised.

STOP IT!

Because you are relinquishing control, you are allowing someone to dictate your life through their actions. You are giving permission for this. If the problem relates to your teenager, you are saying to yourself that they can restrict and control your future happiness while you worry about theirs. So,

  • sign up for the fun run
  • go on your murder mystery weekend.
  • Join the gym
  • Take up running
  • Join an evening class
  • Book the yoga retreat
  • Book the fancy restaurant 
  • Set up your craft business
  • Apply for a different job
  • Join the dating site
  • buy the puppy
  • Start the volunteering role

Go do, involve yourself, interact, have structure, work towards something. Do something with intention, have courage.

Because the aggro will just keep coming anyway!

I have written before about challenges and what they give you as a parent and what positive messages that communicates to your teenager, you can read that here https://helenharveycounselling.blogspot.com/2017/09/with-waves-slapping-in-my-mouth-and-up.html

If you would like to learn about worry and anxiety, I am creating a comprehensive online course for parents who’s worrying is paralysing and out of control. It will involve video tutorials, worksheets, online community and ongoing support. It will be an integrative therapy approach to Generalised anxiety with a particular focus on anxiety around teenagers/children

Please email me at talkingtoteenagers@mail.com to express an interest.  

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Anxiety lesson 6 – Expression of feelings, those pesky things!!

Photo by Morgan Basham on Unsplash
Anxiety lesson 6 – Expression of feelings
Its not uncommon for people with anxiety disorders to withhold their true feelings. There are many reasons for this, one common one is the need to be in control and a fear of losing it. When feelings have been denied over time, anxiety can start to manifest. I wrote about this briefly in Anxiety lesson 1 potential causes https://helenharveycounselling.blogspot.com/2017/10/anxiety-learning-potential-causes.html
Because people with anxiety/phobic tendency tend to be emotionally reactive and have very strong feelings, the expression of them is even more important for their emotional well-being.
When I did my degree in Person Centred Therapy, it was a requirement that you checked in with yourself and others in the morning, also a portion of the day was dedicated to personal development. Again, this is a discipline that requires practice, to notice and name feelings and the memories/events that are contributing to t…

The first thing, you can do right now to improve your relationship with your teenager (especially if your teenager is a boy)

The first thing, you can do right now to improve your relationship with your teenager (especially if your teenager is a boy)
Before you were conceived, I wanted you. Before you were born, I loved you, Before you were a minute old, I would have died for you. This is the miracle of life.”
Maureen Hawkins
The above statement is hard to hold onto…yes? Right now, you may be convinced that your teenager really wants to be as far away from you as possible, he takes every opportunity to be with his friends, when he is at home he is in his room, when he’s in the car he is looking away out the window not talking.
So, it becomes hard to hold onto the fact that your teenager wants you in his life in some way, he needs his friends yes, but he knows that he needs his parents for support and guidance. Your teenager wants you to attentively care for him…in a non-intrusive way.
Every teenager’s developmental tasks are identity, autonomy and belonging. These tasks are happening every day of the teenager’…

Argumentative child/teenager…Here’s how to lessen that. (3 minute read)

First of all, don’t argue with them, why? because you will make them good at arguing! Practice makes perfect. In CBT they have a phrase ‘what fires together, wires together’ it sort of explains how wonky thinking and behaviour is formed. What you are trying to aim for is reflective thought in yourself and your teenager.


So, first of all before new actions and responses can be installed you have to undo the set of behaviours that you don’t want. You have to interrupt that pattern.

What you don’t want is your teenager thinking they have all the answers. Firstly, because his/her answers aren’t always right and second it will drive you mad.


Think of it as a dance, you’re not willing to dance on demand anymore as you are saving your energy for other important things. The other important things are noticing, being present, hearing the message in the noise and most importantly keeping yourself regulated for the sake of yourself and everyone else in the family.


If you don’t manage to keep regu…

Mumsnet

mumsnet