Before I go on with this post, I would like to say that the
following is what I aim for, it doesn’t always go to plan, no one is a perfect
parent all of the time!
It is too easy for us as parents to hold onto the feelings
generated when we argue with our teenagers. Teenagers say some horrible things
when they are angry, and they are usually angry when they can’t get what they
want. We dwell on what is said, we find it hard to comprehend the
unreasonableness of our teenager.
We think and say loudly sometimes...what is going on, What planet is he/she on?
They are on the planet of “self-serving, self-centred, peer
orientated, urgent gratification, my needs matter more than anyone’s planet”.
It is really really hard not to be hurt by their actions or
some of the things they say in a temper.
When my daughter was younger (primary school age) tantrums
did not happen often, but when they did occur, they were pretty turbulent.
Sometimes within these she would say ‘your
mean, I don’t like you’ and my response was always ‘well that’s a shame because I really love you’ this used to dampen
down the energy somewhat, now instead of using those words (although I do tell
her I love her every morning) My actions, more than my words, say I love her.
I try and keep my conscious attention on what’s happening,
instead of being all churned up with emotion.
So, after an argument or an outburst I do still do the
following things:
·
Go and collect her when she has missed the
bus/spent the bus fare. Car journeys seem to be a place where things get ironed
out (it’s to do with little eye contact)
·
After a big explosion…I leave it 20 minutes and
go up to her room, make it clear the explosion is not ok, but is there anything
I can do to help?
·
When she has done something really silly or
dangerous (summer term this year), I put in the consequences and then get on
with relating to her in exactly the same way as before. I don’t hold grudges. I
am the grown up and have been on the planet much longer than she has. I try and
respond, not react. By doing this I am more aware of my daughters needs and
feelings, I can zoom out from situations and not feel bad afterwards about
impulsive arguments.
Everyone makes mistakes…teenagers even more so (it’s a brain
development thing).
·
I still ask her to come food shopping with me, I
like the company and she has some valuable ideas on meals.
·
Try to understand, try not to make judgments, don’t
make some throwaway comment starting ‘oh right what you going to do now, blah
blah blah.
·
Perhaps most importantly, don’t make judgements
about friends and boyfriends in conversation after arguments. Your teenager is
not interested in your views on friendships, they think you are out of date.
What all these things do is offer the olive branch and teach
your child that they are loved regardless of behaviour, A behaviour plan is the
thing that irons out behaviour. Love and understanding is what keeps them
close.
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