Talking to teenagers

Photo by Kat J on Unsplash Advising all Parents don’t do b******t, teenagers are experts at detecting it in adults! Teenagers need repeated instructions, reminders, prompting, guidance and direction but when it comes to insight and awareness into the adults in their life, they are watching and tracking carefully. Between the ages of 11-13 teenagers start to experience their parents as people that haven’t quite got it together in a way they expect adult life to be. In some cases, this creates a sceptical disheartened teenager who is looking for evidence of safety and security in this ‘scales fall from the eyes’ period. So, what are we to do as parents to prevent these feelings in your teenagers to deepen. Stop the b******t ·        Don’t try to wing a mistake and continue to protest it was the right course of action. The teenager knows you have got it a bit wrong, they feel it. If it goes unacknowledged it becomes the elephant in th...

Be vigilant soon to be year 9 parents, there may be some bad choices in the friend department coming! Up until this point you may have had quite a bit of sway in regards to your child’s friends. In primary you could make the excuses regarding tea invites and parties; your teenager may have stuck with the same set of friends from primary in year 7 and part of 8 of secondary school. Then year 9 comes and it seems that yourself and your teenager are talking a different language about friends. This is the time to be on the ball about all things, the peak period for peer influence is 13. This is when they are experiencing themselves as a truly separate other. They are flexing their autonomy muscles and seeing where the limit is. In my experience the period after Christmas of year 9 was when I really had to make it clear what I would accept and what I wouldn’t. Parents of teenage clients also say the same thing to me. That year 9 is the tipping point or the ‘game changer’ as one...

Anxiety lesson 10 – Just some pointers to lessen anxiety and bring a bit of stillness ·       Stagger life transitions, new job, new school for teenager and new partner is going to create anxiety. One thing at a time and make time just for one thing. ·       Surround yourself with people who don’t want something from you. Find people with an 80% positive outlook. ·       Diary when your time of the month is and plan a self-care routine for the first 2 days of it. ·       Say to yourself ‘I feel quite calm actually’ at frequent intervals. The positive drip drip of affirmations brings behaviour change. ·       When you return home put your slippers on and a comfy jumper with your blanket on stand by for comfort ·       Don’t ruminate about past behaviour, people usually do this in a highly anxious state (front ...

Photo by Lotte Meijer on Unsplash What is assertiveness and Assertive communication? When we think about assertiveness what springs to mind is often the thoughts, feeling and concern we have when we imagine having to stand up to others, challenge an opinion or to speak up. How we feel about being assertive is often a reflection of how much we are affected by it. Whether we are affected by it because we have been on the receiving end of assertiveness or because we are afraid of being assertive ourselves, the anxiety is often the overriding feeling. Why is that? Well we often have an experience we go to in our mind when we think about it and in most cases that memory is a negative one. It is a memory of being shouted at or of a loss of control. And there is the misconception. Being assertive is nothing to do with conflict, it is not a negative experience. I would go so far as to say that when people think that being assertive is creating conflict, they could not be ...

Anxiety lesson 8 Asserting yourself Assertive behaviour helps control anxiety levels, it reduces feelings of emotional and everyday overwhelm. To be assertive you need self-awareness, you need to figure out what worries you, be able to recognise mounting stress, be able to recognise the feeling of being overwhelmed. When you have become quite good at this you have to practice treating yourself as you would a friend or a relative that you look after. If a friend or relative was being put upon, I am guessing you would eagerly stand up for their right to make their own decision and exercise their own autonomy. This is something that is required for you to become assertive. On top of this knowledge you will need to practice the belief that you have a right to ask for what you want and have a boundary of what is acceptable behaviour (from others) in your life. For young people this is tricky because for adult’s, their life experience and the feelings that it leave...

The first thing, you can do right now to improve your relationship with your teenager (especially if your teenager is a boy) “ Before you were conceived, I wanted you. Before you were born, I loved you, Before you were a minute old, I would have died for you. This is the miracle of life.”                                                                                                                    Maureen Hawki...

Calling all mums, do you feel like you’re the referee in your house? You know the scenario; your daughter has left her dirty plates stacked up at the sink. Your son is 10 minutes late home. Dad/step dad wants to leave the house on time and teenage daughter is taking more than the imagined 10 minutes to get ready to join dad for the lift. Dad tries to deal with it, but he’s a bit bad tempered and short on patience so he reacts like something from a 1970’s parenting manual. Teenager mutters something and before you know it, you two are arguing and teenager has gone upstairs, out the way listening to headphones on iPhone oblivious to frayed tempers and accusations of bad parenting. Dad/other parent: “you know what the problem is don’t you, your soft, that is why her bedroom looks like it does and she speaks to me in that s****y way. Mum: “no she speaks to you in that s****y way because you are always on at her” Dad/other parent: “what, because I ask her to clean her ...