The first thing, you can do right now to improve your relationship with your teenager (especially if your teenager is a boy)

The first thing, you can do right now to improve your relationship with your teenager (especially if your teenager is a boy)

“Before you were conceived, I wanted you. Before you were born, I loved you, Before you were a minute old, I would have died for you. This is the miracle of life.”

                                                                                                                   Maureen Hawkins

The above statement is hard to hold onto…yes? Right now, you may be convinced that your teenager really wants to be as far away from you as possible, he takes every opportunity to be with his friends, when he is at home he is in his room, when he’s in the car he is looking away out the window not talking.

So, it becomes hard to hold onto the fact that your teenager wants you in his life in some way, he needs his friends yes, but he knows that he needs his parents for support and guidance. Your teenager wants you to attentively care for him…in a non-intrusive way.

Every teenager’s developmental tasks are identity, autonomy and belonging. These tasks are happening every day of the teenager’s life.

The teenager’s bedroom represents some aspects of this. Posters on the wall, choice of decoration, objects kept from childhood, the rules drawn up for parent’s entry, safe haven ect

My teenage clients tell me that one of the feelings that they experience the most is intrusion from a parent, boys more so. The bedroom is a physical place that symbolises this.

So, the first step towards shifting your relationship with your teenager to a better place, may be to state (in the calm moments when the lines of communication are open) that you no longer want to go in his bedroom and you recognise that this is his space and you respect that. All you ask is that he keeps it reasonably smell free. Explain that you will need to come in to wake him as the 5 alarm alerts on his phone don’t work, but other than that it is his space. You can also explain that it saves you a job, you now have one less room to clean.  Win - win situation. Tell him you are doing this in the hope it makes your relationship better in the long run, because that is important to you.

Also, his dirty clothes will need to be left on the landing for washing.

I know you’re thinking dirty plates and cups, but when you no longer have enough of these in the kitchen to use, you can simply call up to the teenager and tell him about the shortage of crockery. Ask nicely for his cooperation in exchange for yours.

I know, I know I’m talking about all of this like it will go smoothly, I admit that in the first three weeks it won’t.

However, there will be a shift in the relationship, if in the past you went into his room uninvited (even if you knocked) it will have been experienced as an intrusion. If you are quite an anxious parent, this may have come across even more because your teenager will experience you as anxious and maybe empathise with this at first, but eventually can’t carry your anxiety whilst trying to progress in his developmental tasks as well.

You may be thinking that if you don’t go into his room you would hardly see him and this is true, but I am speaking from experience that going in the room whilst he is relaxing isn’t going to produce much attuned conversation. What happens is that we go around picking up cups and plates whilst asking questions that he doesn’t want to answer; an argument happens which is carried through to the car journey. He grunts goodbye, slams the door and you are left feeling flat for the rest of the day or evening.  

If you skipped the Spanish inquisition in the bedroom, there is a chance the car journey conversation would have been quite bearable (by teenage standards).

I am not condoning soft, where your teenager is allowed to stomp about and speak to everyone like crap, I am advising less contact of the intrusive sought for no reason other than to alleviate our anxiety.

The bedroom conversation is the starting point.