Anxiety lesson 9 - assertive behaviour part 2 - Written by Ruth of 'This is the beginning' Life coaching

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What is assertiveness and Assertive communication?

When we think about assertiveness what springs to mind is often the thoughts, feeling and concern we have when we imagine having to stand up to others, challenge an opinion or to speak up. How we feel about being assertive is often a reflection of how much we are affected by it. Whether we are affected by it because we have been on the receiving end of assertiveness or because we are afraid of being assertive ourselves, the anxiety is often the overriding feeling.

Why is that? Well we often have an experience we go to in our mind when we think about it and in most cases that memory is a negative one. It is a memory of being shouted at or of a loss of control.

And there is the misconception.

Being assertive is nothing to do with conflict, it is not a negative experience. I would go so far as to say that when people think that being assertive is creating conflict, they could not be further from the truth.
If you have been on the receiving end of conflict, raised voices, shouting to gain attention, to lay down the law, to increase the impact, if you consider it for a moment. Was it useful, did it bring around a lasting change in behaviour for you? Did it improve the relationship in a long-lasting way? I doubt it. And that is because conflict is a negative experience and it is not communication, and that is not being assertive.

Communication is a two-way process, a way in which two people can converse, relate and discuss.

Assertiveness in communication is no different. It is a conversation, a conversation where opinion is respected, challenge to views are given, but given constructively.

Your opinion is your own and nobody has the right to tell you otherwise. They do have the right to tell you they don’t agree and you have the obligation to acknowledge that there can be different views on the same subject/situation or event.

Assertiveness is as much about listening as it is about talking. Communication is a healthy mix of listening and responding. Not waiting for the other to finish so that the opposing point can be given. So often in life, we don’t listen to respond, instead we are waiting for the other to finish and are not responding to their statement, instead we just want to say what we think.

“The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand. , We listen to reply.” Stephen R. Covey

You can’t control what others say, but you can control how you respond, and in essence that is what assertive communication is a test of, learning to respond positively to even the most hurtful of communication is as much about assertiveness as it is about confidence.

“I think you are lazy and you do nothing around the house, I am left with everything to clean up and I want your help now!”  instead perhaps an assertive positive alternative could be “I remember what it was like to be a teenager you know, and I know you think I nag, but right now I could do with your help, you are better than this, let’s not be sat in our bedroom all day, I’d love you to come and spend some time with me, and let’s get this done today”

“you are such a kill joy, you never let me go with my mates, their mum’s aren’t like this, they are way cooler and they let them do what they want, I bloody hate this”  a positive alternative “look I know you think that I don’t understand that you worry, but if I promise to ensure that I am safe, and that I am not hanging around, would you let me to go this once and let me prove to you that you can trust me?”

Why Does It Matter?

An assertive communication style can help us do the things we want to do. But it goes further than that: Being assertive shows we respect ourselves and other people.

Some benefits in assertive communication are, you can give your opinion, you can ask for what you need, you can say NO and not feel guilty, you can speak up for yourself and for others.

People who speak assertively send the message that they believe in themselves. They're not too timid and they're not too pushy. They know that their feelings and ideas matter. They're confident.

How to be more assertive?

Here are some things you can try and they will get results

Start and consider what your style is, think of a situation in the past that has not gone well and think how you would have played this differently if you were being positively assertive

Pay attention to what you think, what you feel, and what you want to get from the interaction. You have to practice this, role play in it your head even before you do it in a real-life situation.

Think about how the other person may react, remember you aren’t in control of that reaction, but you are in control of your next reaction to it.

Play out all the possible outcomes, have a response ready.

Look out for the words that come out of your mouth, if you are saying such things, as “I don’t care” “It doesn’t matter” “I don’t know” and change these to “I would prefer” “I have thought about this and what I think is best for me is” “I feel what would be best for me is”. And yes, this is about putting you first, about placing you in a confident stance.

Remind yourself that your ideas and opinions are as important as everyone else's. Knowing this helps you be assertive. Assertiveness starts with an inner attitude of valuing yourself as much as you value others.

Being less aggressive and changing to assertive

Let others speak first, as much as it may drive you mad – Let others speak “I would like to hear your thoughts on this” “I am keen to understand how you see the situation”

Don’t interrupt, you have no idea how much courage it may have taken for the other person to speak, notice if you interrupt and say: "Oh, sorry — go ahead!" and let the other person finish
When you ask for an opinion listen to it! You don’t have to agree, challenging is good, but don’t dismiss “you are talking crap” is not a positive answer, but “You see I am having difficulty agreeing with you there and this is why”

Assertiveness should be harmonious not adversarial, remember it is not about who wins. It is about what is agreed.

·       So, to clarify, you need to think about what your rights are in any given situation.

·       Think about when is a good time to have a discussion with the person.

·       Address the person and state the problem and the effects/consequences it has on you.

·       Express your feelings about the situation.

·       Make a request for it to change.

If you want to develop nonverbal assertive behaviours, look the person directly in the eye, looking sideways or down at the floor transmits the message that you are not sure of your stance. Maintain an open posture, no arms folded. The most difficult bit is the initial communication from you. Take a deep breath and say what needs to be said.

Learning to say no when you are put on the spot.

One of the most important aspects of being assertive is being able to say no to other people’s requests. A firm ‘No, I’m not interested” or “no thanks that is not my type of thing”, will suffice. If someone is asking you to do something practical for them you are allowed to say ‘I’ll give that some thought and let you know’, or ‘let me think about that’, don’t apologize for not knowing there and then.

You could write out an assertive response to each of your problem situations adding to them over the next three or four weeks. Once you have responded assertively two to three times and you feel a sense of relief and positive stance, you will want it to become a way of being for you.

This blog is brought to you by Ruth Wilkinson of https://www.facebook.com/LifeCoachLancashire/ 

Life coaching from a fully qualified, Master Coaching practitioner. No judgement, no pushing, advocate of your goals and providing belief in your potential