Advising all Parents don’t do b******t, teenagers are
experts at detecting it in adults!
Teenagers need repeated instructions, reminders, prompting,
guidance and direction but when it comes to insight and awareness into the
adults in their life, they are watching and tracking carefully.
Between the ages of 11-13 teenagers start to experience
their parents as people that haven’t quite got it together in a way they expect
adult life to be. In some cases, this creates a sceptical disheartened teenager
who is looking for evidence of safety and security in this ‘scales fall from
the eyes’ period.
So, what are we to do as parents to prevent these feelings in
your teenagers to deepen.
Stop the b******t
·
Don’t try to wing a mistake and continue to
protest it was the right course of action. The teenager knows you have got it a
bit wrong, they feel it. If it goes unacknowledged it becomes the elephant in
the room. It’s better to say ‘I thought it was right at the time, I made a
mistake and I got it wrong’
Because if we don’t do this we teach
our teenagers that a defensive stance gets us through, that we can’t be open
and admit when we were wrong and when the time comes in their adult
relationships they can’t admit they were wrong.
If you make a mistake, admit it,
attempt at cover up makes your teenagers believe you are acting in bad faith.
·
Use praise when you really feel pleased or
surprised that they have remembered something or thought about somebody’s else’s
point of view. When you don’t have the feeling that goes along with the praise it
sounds empty and false and teenagers don’t feel it as true. My clients often
say “Mum/Dad said XYZ, but I could tell they didn’t really feel that way.
·
When there is anything happening that is affecting
the equilibrium of the family, tell them what’s happening. Not every gritty
detail, but be straight about the basics, as a lot of my clients talk about
being kept in the dark and not being told what is going on and they feel
aggrieved by this when the practical aspects of the situation affect them.
This is very important… what they don’t know they make up and the made-up
version is usually 4 times worse than what is actually going on. Better to
be able to tell the truth and be in a position to reassure them, than the teenager
to be alone in their head.
·
Don’t manipulate your teenager. Manipulation is
b******t, rewards and consequences (which I have spoken about before) are not
manipulation as it is a straight exchange. Manipulation is guilt tripping by
sulking, whining, complaining. It is b******t because it is not a true and
genuine communication.
·
Don’t pretend to still be mad at them, you are
denying your teenager the option to digest the feelings of disappointment and
to learn the lesson, some things can be over egged. Say your piece, check their
understanding and then put the consequences in. I worked with one client who
admitted that her mum kept it going for that long that the lesson was lost and
she was just preoccupied with how to be ‘friends’ again.
The single biggest drive we have is to connect, it’s a
survival, evolutionary thing. When we detect a connection that isn’t true, it
feels wrong and unsettling, causing us to mistrust and ultimately disconnect.
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