Teenagers, Bullying, Paranoid Fearful Thinking…Social media
and the fragile sense of self.
My daughter had a 3 month break from social media this year,
I wrote a post about it early in my blogging journey, the change in her was
dramatic and enjoyable. Two weeks ago, she decided to go back onto Instagram,
she is not enjoying it and is toying with the idea of another break.
We have all read as parents the dangers of social media,
most of us have experienced our child’s distress first hand. We have also heard
the argument that social media means the child can’t get a break from criticism
and being in the spotlight. The photos teenager’s post of themselves means they
are there for them to agonise over their flaws repeatedly, and for their peers
to analyse and comment on.
Comparisons can be made to other people’s seemingly perfect
lives, perfect bodies, fantastic families, holidays, outfits, academic
achievement ect.
When we were in our teens you knew the good things about
your friends, but because you truly knew them, you also got a sense of their
not so good bits, their struggles, their insecurities and fears. Those friends
were in your social circle. Now our teenagers can be ‘friends’ with up to 700
people on social media. How can they possibly know the not so great bits to
balance out a comparison?
My clients say they feel a sense of ‘no option than to be on
social media’, it is no longer about connecting with friends, but checking that
those people they consider “friends” are not commenting and talking about them.
When things are said about us in adult life, we have some
experience to see us through.
Let’s say you get a poor appraisal at work and other people
within work talk about that, and say things that aren’t true or unkind. As an adult,
you have other good experiences to bring to mind, you have achieved a family
maybe, or you have good friends as a support network, your neighbours think you
are a kind and patient person with your children. You can also bring to mind
challenges that you have managed well, you have faced daunting situations and
come out the other end. The poor appraisal at work is only one part of your
life.
In short, we have experiences that define who we are and
give us a strong sense of identity. We have a strong anchor.
As teenagers ‘friends’ and fitting in, is their life. They look to friends to define who they are. In this
way, they have a fragile sense of self, a self that can be damaged by repeated cruel
comments or an unpredictable exclusion from a peer group.
If your teenager is going through this and they have been
open enough to talk about the distress that social media brings to their lives,
you could do the following things:
·
Talk to your child over two or three days, find
out the facts. Is there some online bullying happening?
Bullying is defined as behaviour that
is repeated, intended to hurt both physically and emotionally including
teasing, name calling and making threats.
·
If this is the case and is happening within
school time, I would say that you need to contact school in the first instance.
Quote the definition of bullying and ask to see a copy of the anti-bullying
policy. Please do this in writing as all written documentation needs to be
presented to Ofsted when an inspection takes place. This concentrates their
attention on the issue and motivates the school to resolve the issue.
·
If it is happening outside of school time, I would
advise that you contact the parents by email or text. If this seems scary,
please ask yourself how you would feel or what you would do if you received an
email stating that your teenager was causing undue distress to somebody else.
Hopefully you would feel empathetic and determined to sort it out. If you don’t
feel this way then your reading the wrong blog! (yep controversial)
·
Talk to your teenager about bullying, how it
effects the young person and their families. Here is a link to a short video
about being bullied and how it feels. Maybe all teenagers should be shown it.
After you have managed the situation and hopefully it has
come to a good conclusion, you can think about a family friend or a kind
neighbour doing some identity/self-esteem work with your teenager.
This is quite a long process and you may have to add to the
list as you, or your teenager notice different things within the coming weeks. If
your teenager struggles to get started, you
can start with all the things I am not. E.g. not cruel, not dishonest, not
explosive ect.
It is important you do not provide answers and strongly
suggest things. This work has to come from the teenager for them to internalise
it and reflect on it. This exercise involves your teenager thinking and
documenting the following:
What do you like
about yourself, no matter how fleeting?
Example, nice smile, Good at singing, my organisation skills
What positive
qualities do you possess? (include qualities that you do not display 100% of
the time)
Example, good listener, polite, patient, loyal, supportive,
responsible, respectful (you would be surprised how often this is true of your
teenager)
What small or big
things have you achieved?
Example, lead role in play, sports day achievement, poem published
in school newsletter, gymnastics/swimming certificate ect
What challenges have
you faced in life and dealt with?
Example, ill health, parents separating, suffering with
anxiety… anything the teenager found really hard.
What skills have you acquired?
Example, Work skills, domestic skills, computer skills, ride
a bike, swim backstroke.
What do other people
turn to you for?
Example, working out their iPhone, helping people with
spelling,
What are my true
likes, What topics, activities do I do that excite me, what am I passionate
about?
Swimming, Harry Potter films, crafting
This isn’t going to totally ease the distress, but it
provides the teenager with a blue print of identity. They can look at this list
and remind themselves of their resilience in difficult times.
Another suggestion is if you can, negotiate with your
teenager that there be an hour in the evening when they don’t go on their phone
or social media. It is healthy to get a break and loosen that tight focus of
friends, image, school, relationship breakup’s.
Social media and bullying is always going to be distressing
for the teenager and their family, but being proactive in addressing it is the
answer. What is also part of the answer is if you have an honest, frank conversation
about what bullying does to a young person, promote empathy, model empathy to
your teenager and keep the communication lines open.
Self - esteem work provided by Melanie Fennell ‘over coming low self- esteem’ book
Comments
Post a Comment