Social anxiety - He then said in a quiet voice ‘quite honestly, I’d rather not live at all than live like this for the rest of my life. Who lives like this, I’m pathetic’

Social anxiety:  Don’t talk to me…. I’m not shy, I’m petrified!

A teenage male client recently explained to me that social anxiety for him is the feeling that a big bright stage light is on you, following you about the minute you step out of the house and into the public arena.

He then said in a quiet voice ‘quite honestly, I’d rather not live at all than live like this for the rest of my life. Who lives like this, I’m pathetic’

The answer is that more young people live with this ‘disorder’ (don’t like that term) than any other anxiety related illness. Lifetime prevalence rates of up to 12% have been reported, compared with lifetime prevalence estimates for other anxiety disorders of 6% for generalised anxiety disorder, 5% for panic disorder, 7% for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and 2% for obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).

The distress felt by this, is not feeling just a little shy, just a little introverted. My clients feel the constant fear of being negatively judged and rejected and humiliated in some way. People suffering with social anxiety feel inferior, inadequate, not likeable and in teenagers they feel they are weird.

Activities such as using a telephone in public, working while being observed, ordering a coffee can literally induce terror in some people. The impact on my teenage client’s interpersonal relationships whether romantic or friendships is far reaching and isolating.

A specific social anxiety would be the fear of speaking in front of groups (only), whereas people with generalized social anxiety are anxious and scared in all social situations.

If you or your teenager is plagued by worry, indecision, self-blame and anticipatory anxiety (worrying beforehand what will happen in a particular encounter) in most life situations then this means a generalized form of anxiety is at play. This is the most common form in teenagers.

Avoidance and safety behaviours

By the time teenagers seek help they have pretty much started to avoid most interactions and as a result their world has narrowed in focus and they find themselves lonely and emotionally alone. When my clients first start counselling they have been using safety behaviours to get them through interactions for quite a long time (how else could school be bearable)? These behaviours just about get them through, but actually as much as the teenager thinks these are helpful, they actually prevent new learning from taking place.

It goes something like this. ‘I got through that because I stayed on the edge of the group, I didn’t speak about myself, I talked less and didn’t give eye contact etc.’

These things that you do to try and avoid embarrassment in front of others. Although it may seem like doing these things helps to reduce your anxiety, in the long run what you are doing is actually maintaining your fear.

Simply put…it is a pernicious cycle that reinforces itself !!

I work very frequently with clients experiencing social anxiety and quite often they have experienced an unpredictable isolating/rejecting episode in school, which had a dramatic and distressing impact on them that they dealt with mostly alone. This is NOT ALWAYS the case but is a theme I have recognized the more I work with teenage social anxiety. 

Social anxiety can be worked with in a phased structured way with a fully trained therapist and the results can be liberating, alternatively, there is a good book on amazon that you could work through with the help of an adult (Aunty or family friend would be my suggestion NOT PARENTS)

The Shyness and Social Anxiety Workbook for Teens: CBT and ACT skills to Help You Build Social Confidence (An Instant Help Book for Teens) - Jennifer shannon 

While you work through your social anxiety it is important to motivate yourself to stay in the 'goldilocks zone' anxiety provoking enough for new learning but not so terrifying that you are forced into blind panic. The sooner social anxiety is recognised and worked on, the less hardwired those behaviours become. The impact on teenagers cannot be overstated. Like with any support to work through mental health issues, the results can be life changing.