Talking to teenagers

First of all, don’t argue with them, why? because you will make them good at arguing! Practice makes perfect. In CBT they have a phrase ‘what fires together, wires together’ it sort of explains how wonky thinking and behaviour is formed. What you are trying to aim for is reflective thought in yourself and your teenager. So, first of all before new actions and responses can be installed you have to undo the set of behaviours that you don’t want. You have to interrupt that pattern. What you don’t want is your teenager thinking they have all the answers. Firstly, because his/her answers aren’t always right and second it will drive you mad. Think of it as a dance, you’re not willing to dance on demand anymore as you are saving your energy for other important things. The other important things are noticing, being present, hearing the message in the noise and most importantly keeping yourself regulated for the sake of yourself and everyone else in the family. ...

It’s difficult for both parent and child when leaving the safety of primary school. There are so many aspects of loss and excitement that it is difficult to know how to feel what emotion and when. The loses felt by the child are certainly immediate, they have been hanging on and letting go for most of the year. Teachers have been preparing them for SATS and the last school play, sports day, school trip etc. We as parents have been making the important decisions and presenting a positive attitude to this unavoidable leap of faith. So, as we approach Friday (if indeed your child finishes then) it may be important to remind ourselves of the aspects of loss your child may feel approaching this important day. Identity – Your child may be known as the conscientious one or the caring child or the leader, his class mates may know him for this particular quality and also the teachers. Whatever the quality is this will have been more cemented on the standard 5-day trip away that c...

“You’re an idiot, no wonder you’ve not got any mates” “You’re a weirdo” ‘Enough’ I stated loudly. I ask my daughter who is the older one to go and sit in her room to let the tension die down.   This sort of name calling has escalated in this house for about a month and I know for certain it is very damaging.   Some could argue that I’m being soft, that every sibling can remember taunts and name calling and that it serves to toughen you up. I bet though you can recall speaking to people who hold a deep-seated resentment for their siblings in adulthood for the treatment they received when young. Maybe you can remember the particular insults used against you and that is your default position even now? It doesn’t just happen from an older sibling to a younger one (although its more impactful that way round, it’s also more powerful if the older sibling is female) When certain names are stated enough times, the younger sibling is going to internalise it and it wil...

When I speak to mothers on my resilience workshops, the general consensus is that a good woman and a good mother is offering everything to everyone at the cost of her own emotional space. What I aim to do on these workshops is not undo this thinking totally and immediately, but bring about a shift in awareness that questions behaviour and alters the way the woman thinks about herself and her needs. How many of us have watched our mum’s struggle on the emergency chair at Christmas or sat down to eat her meal lukewarm after seeing to everyone else’s needs. How many have looked after elderly parents selflessly. Mum’s are the caretakers and the definition of self-sacrifice. This way of thinking is difficult to undo if the person in question has been a victim of unfair criticism and cruel treatment in their childhood. This, you would think, is the wrong way around surely…would they not want to meet their needs in adulthood if childhood was terrible with unmet needs? It’s more co...

Parents are the new focus for teenage anxiety treatment, is it possible to not feel judged? You know as an adult when you go to your mum for advice and the conversation starts off ok and you feel supported and then she says a certain thing or looks a certain way and the conversation takes a different turn. Her concern is for your children and she slips in the time when you made a bad decision or reacted in a certain wrong way. Before you know it, you want to leave but she’s made you a cup of tea and brought the Blue Ribands out…too late, you have to suck it up. Well lots of parents’ report feeling this way when visiting the consultant paediatrician or psychologist. So you may be surprised that the new approach that has grown from a Yale study is to focus on the parents attitude to their teenager. There is a realisation from researchers that treatment for anxiety in children/teens is limited if there is not active participation from the child/teenager that traditional CBT ...

Verbal Intrusion – Getting on your teenager’s nerves. Its all in the timing. We all do it, some of us reflect after the explosion and think about what was said, how it was said and if too much was said. Some of us don’t reflect at all, learn nothing and the teenager knows that. I work with a lot of young people, I consult with parents and carers throughout the duration of the therapy and some just can’t stay quiet. The parent experiences it as caring for the teenager, the teenager experiences it as interference and intrusion, Why? Because it comes from a leaky anxiety valve, that doesn’t burst big and long enough for the parent to acknowledge it is a problem that needs professional attention, but is a steady and potent drip that keeps the parent teetering on worst scenario thinking. There is evidence to say that this is avoidance of feeling, an avoidance of imagery in the minds eye. It serves to comfort the parent, like white noise from a fan. Some parents thi...

As a PODS trained trauma therapist, I have worked with people who have experienced the worst that life has to offer in terms of family relationships and traumatic life events. These clients have functioned well to some extent, they have coped, they have kept going. If we are to try and pick resilience apart, learn the aspects that we can practice in everyday life then these clients have something to teach us. Resilience involves three measurable elements 1)       An adversity has occurred – traumatic experience or stressful event 2)       Evidence of healthy functioning must be present after the adversity 3)       The mechanisms a person employs to avoid the distress or recover from it Health is not measured by an absence of pathology, it is important that assessment of well-being in addition to symptoms is undertaken to treat people holistically. What do I mean by this? does the GP or the...