‘You’re a dick, weirdo, loser’…name calling between siblings, the damage caused is brutal, why as parents we can’t afford to let it pass.

“You’re an idiot, no wonder you’ve not got any mates”

“You’re a weirdo”

‘Enough’ I stated loudly. I ask my daughter who is the older one to go and sit in her room to let the tension die down.  This sort of name calling has escalated in this house for about a month and I know for certain it is very damaging.  Some could argue that I’m being soft, that every sibling can remember taunts and name calling and that it serves to toughen you up. I bet though you can recall speaking to people who hold a deep-seated resentment for their siblings in adulthood for the treatment they received when young. Maybe you can remember the particular insults used against you and that is your default position even now?

It doesn’t just happen from an older sibling to a younger one (although its more impactful that way round, it’s also more powerful if the older sibling is female) When certain names are stated enough times, the younger sibling is going to internalise it and it will become a core belief. Children who are teased or insulted because of how they look or a disability will really take this to heart.

Insults about their abilities are particularly harmful. “You’re useless” is my number one dislike, I actually wince when I hear it.  If left unchecked by parents it can have a serious effect on children’s mental health. Many teenagers and younger children speak to me in session about their sibling relationships and how they wished they were better. A lot of children cry in session about this, they feel alone in their mood and wish they had the support of the older sibling.

Some studies have shown that 53 out of every 100 children suffer emotional or physical abuse from a sibling. So, what can parents do about this distressing aspect of family life?

So, on Friday night I called a family meeting. It is important to remember that the family meeting was called 1 day later to allow for things to calm down. These are the three things I stated.

·       That there are enough people in the world who will want to argue with them when they are adults and that they are lucky to have another person alongside them growing up. Enjoy that other person, they are very different to you yes, but wouldn’t it be really annoying if we were all the same. Enjoy them for however long you enjoy them and then separate yourselves and sit in different rooms.

·       Any serious name calling like the ones described above and they would have their phone and Xbox removed for between 1-2 hours. No questions, no discussions, no arguments. It was going to be an automatic action by me when this occurred. I don’t usually remove these things as a consequence, I pointed out that it was an indicator of how strongly I felt about name calling.

·       That if they wanted to be successful in most things in life, they would have to master patience. Patience allows you to respond to all things in a more reasoned mindful way. Who better to practice patience with than someone who is with you in the same building for 10+ years of your life? I pointed out that I didn’t practice patience for a long time in my life and this led to some not so good outcomes in my life.

At this point they glazed over.

Don’t get me wrong siblings need room to disagree, children with siblings are proved to be better in peer social settings because of these sibling interactions. They can disagree, but they don’t need to be hurtful at the same time.