Talking to teenagers

Social pain is experienced when a person is excluded from social connections, experiences rejection or bullying, it can be experienced when a friend moves schools due to family circumstances. Neuroscientists have discovered that when social pain is experienced it activates the same brain regions as physical pain. Our biggest emotional drive is to connect, its not about that others see us to be alone, but that social connection brings rewards. Relationships bring validation, understanding, feeling ‘got’. Relationships allow us to internally reflect on our differences and allow these to be accepted without judgement. Research suggests that non-inclusion is painful in a similar way as active rejection. The individual’s self-esteem and self-concept are tied up in the acceptance from ‘the other’ So, what happens when adolescent developmental tasks come alongside social pain? Nearly all of the teenage clients I see that experience acute social anxiety have had a distress...

Photo by Gabriel Matula on Unsplash Some pointers that indicate you need to be less productive with more time, not the other way around…burnout blog post. Lately I have noticed a rise in Apps to help with productivity. I counted 240 apps listed under productivity on iTunes. Come on guys, how many formats do we need to see a To Do list in? We are celebrated in our culture if we are hardworking, cease the day, do 10,000 steps blah blah blah. Those things are good if you are great at moderation and you can recognise the signs of overwhelm. Never have a known such a good word to describe a feeling…overwhelm is just the perfect word. How do you know when overwhelm is happening as a parent or a teenager?               Feel quite fragile ·        You can’t seem to find what you want to watch on TV, but you know you can’t watch anything heavy or upsetting. The news seems like ...

Photo by Janko Ferlič on Unsplash Top 10 things to do with your 10-year-old, to deepen that connection before adolescence hits. You may already have a teenager as well as younger children in your house. Meeting the needs of both is very difficult, as the teenager may receive more attention because they are in a difficult life stage and need the focus from the parent. It is difficult to spread your attention and love to the different aged children in the house and sometimes the 10 & 11-year olds feel it. I worked with a child where there had been a close family bereavement and mum was struggling to connect and see to the needs of the two teenagers as well, over time we came up with this list of things that helped the child feel connected and mum feel loved despite the turmoil in the house. Thinking in terms of prevention is better than cure. I have compiled a little list of some things you can do with your ten-year-old to grow that connection between you. Ten-year o...

Year 10 GCSE anxiety and pressure, it is becoming ridiculous and cruel…parents stop it before it starts! Here’s how. I have written before about GCSE anxiety and how to manage the expectations from school, within that blog I spoke of very practical things you can do as a parent to ease the worry on the run up to exam season. You can read that blog here https://helenharveycounselling.blogspot.com/2017/08/do-you-have-child-doing-their-gcses.html Yesterday I read a ridiculous article featuring a former head teacher from Harrow in which he stated that revising for 7 hours a day is the recommended thing to do during the Easter holidays. I read on further down the article in the hope there was an ‘ expert ’ psychologist or mental health expert telling Barnaby Lenon that he was totally out of touch and spouting dangerous s**t. Unfortunately, no, the experts were too polite about it and should be complaining that their bums are hurting from sitting too much on the fence. This...

Photo by Kat J on Unsplash Advising all Parents don’t do b******t, teenagers are experts at detecting it in adults! Teenagers need repeated instructions, reminders, prompting, guidance and direction but when it comes to insight and awareness into the adults in their life, they are watching and tracking carefully. Between the ages of 11-13 teenagers start to experience their parents as people that haven’t quite got it together in a way they expect adult life to be. In some cases, this creates a sceptical disheartened teenager who is looking for evidence of safety and security in this ‘scales fall from the eyes’ period. So, what are we to do as parents to prevent these feelings in your teenagers to deepen. Stop the b******t ·        Don’t try to wing a mistake and continue to protest it was the right course of action. The teenager knows you have got it a bit wrong, they feel it. If it goes unacknowledged it becomes the elephant in th...

Be vigilant soon to be year 9 parents, there may be some bad choices in the friend department coming! Up until this point you may have had quite a bit of sway in regards to your child’s friends. In primary you could make the excuses regarding tea invites and parties; your teenager may have stuck with the same set of friends from primary in year 7 and part of 8 of secondary school. Then year 9 comes and it seems that yourself and your teenager are talking a different language about friends. This is the time to be on the ball about all things, the peak period for peer influence is 13. This is when they are experiencing themselves as a truly separate other. They are flexing their autonomy muscles and seeing where the limit is. In my experience the period after Christmas of year 9 was when I really had to make it clear what I would accept and what I wouldn’t. Parents of teenage clients also say the same thing to me. That year 9 is the tipping point or the ‘game changer’ as one...

Anxiety lesson 10 – Just some pointers to lessen anxiety and bring a bit of stillness ·       Stagger life transitions, new job, new school for teenager and new partner is going to create anxiety. One thing at a time and make time just for one thing. ·       Surround yourself with people who don’t want something from you. Find people with an 80% positive outlook. ·       Diary when your time of the month is and plan a self-care routine for the first 2 days of it. ·       Say to yourself ‘I feel quite calm actually’ at frequent intervals. The positive drip drip of affirmations brings behaviour change. ·       When you return home put your slippers on and a comfy jumper with your blanket on stand by for comfort ·       Don’t ruminate about past behaviour, people usually do this in a highly anxious state (front ...