I read recently that teenage girls on average check their
social media accounts 50 times a day.
I imagine snapchat to be like Slimer from Ghost busters (its
logo is similar) every girl that it touches starts to have a negative attitude
towards themselves and all their self-esteem gets sucked out of them into that
proton pack and gets locks away.
It’s a sad thought but it is true. I was recently travelling
on the Virgin train to London when a girl got on at Preston. She was maybe 18,
makeup done, headphones in and rucksack. She produced her makeup bag at
Warrington Bank Quay and proceeded to do her make up (which was already done)
until we reached Stafford (that takes an hour). I can honestly say that she
looked NO different as a result of her make up tweaks then when she had boarded
the train. She then took a photo once she shifted around in her seat for 5
minutes and then applied some more eyeshadow and took another photo that she
was obviously more pleased with.
I observed the same phenomenon just this week on holiday. A
girl spent 1 hour and 20 minutes photographing herself on the shoreline. The
girl was no more than 15 and she had a revealing bikini and long flowing hair.
She photographed herself sat down, kneeling down, legs crossed, chaise long
pose, hair blowing one direction and then another. She then passed the phone to
her friend while she dipped her bottom in the sea and rubbed it in the sand and
then asked the friend to photograph that. She also pouted the lips and raised
the chin on her photos in case you were worried that pose was no longer a
thing.
What has happened, it is truly heartbreakingly sad.
I saw a teenage girl
client 3 weeks ago who described herself as a ‘second rate human being’ She believes she is fat and also stupid and
says the wrong things and is ‘not popular’.
She is a petite, clever, responsible and caring person with a huge personality.
Our work together may take some time but we are working on these core beliefs
with some success.
Teenagers have 2 Instagram accounts, girls wear tights in PE
‘because they don’t like their legs’. Some girls are talking boob jobs and Victoria’s
secret underwear at age 15. Girls are having days of school because they are
petrified (this feeling is very real) that the boys will make fun of their
normal teenage spots.
They are exhausted, but wired at the same time. They are
slowly being funnelled into a life of toxic perfectionism, once that sets in, it
is hard to crack. I wrote a blog recently on perfectionism, it is more about perfectionistic
parenting but the outcomes are the same. https://helenharveycounselling.blogspot.com/2018/08/are-you-child-of-perfectionism_5.html
The teenagers that you and me would have deemed the popular
ones at school because they were funny, messed about or nicked off are no
longer the popular ones, they are just the not not popular ones. The popular
ones look like an episode off Love island or Geordie Shaw, they also have their
own version of emotional and mental torment because as a client explained to me
recently ‘I can’t stop looking like this,
I’ve done it now and I can’t not do it’
We have to help our girls, it is emotionally gruelling to
live like this. To wake up everyday and feel like your deficient. They don’t think
it’s the system, the internet has always been in their lives. Its not the
system that is ‘wonky’ (of course we know it is) it’s them. ‘I should try harder, I should be prettier,
If I do my eyebrows, if I buy this dress, if I get better at make-up. WHY DON’T
I BELONG!
So how do we help our girls? In all honesty I wish I had a
better suggestion, but this social media thing is massive. I know that the following
works quite significantly to counteract the effects if started early enough.
Well first of all we need to accept it is a system that is
seeped into their lives, social media is like a project that is as big as
school life. You can’t counteract the negative messages your teenage girls receive
from it. Let’s be honest we can barely get them to move their cereal bowl and
leave the house on time so let’s get real with ourselves.
So, when your teenage girl comments she doesn’t like her
eyebrows or she has ugly elbows you can state calmly ‘I don’t agree’, any more
protesting from you will reinforce her ‘wonky’ rigid view. This is really hard
to pull back from, but not doing this and doing the ‘don’t be silly, you have
lovely eyebrows and nana always said she thought your eyebrows are lovely’ is
pouring fuel onto the fire.
‘WHAT’ I hear you say, ‘what do I do instead?’
You practice your noticing skills with such intensity that you
could work for the CIA. You also brief everyone in the house and grandparents
that they need to do the same thing.
You notice in all conversation when she shows honesty, integrity,
when she is loyal and respectful and responsible.
When she shows compassion to friends or relatives.
When she is fair with her brothers or sister (rare I know,
but possible).
You notice when she forgives easily,
when she is brave in her life,
when she is generous or determined and shows self-discipline
You recognise when she is kind and optimistic and conscientious.
When she is a ‘good listener’ and a solid source of support.
When she is non-judgemental and can play devil’s advocate.
When she is polite and patient.
YOU NOTICE AND YOU VOCALISE THIS IN EVERY INSTANCE, because
what you are doing is reinforcing the things that aren’t necessarily performance
or looks related.
I know this seems like a small thing, but practised well it
is very powerful indeed.
There will be a turning of the tide soon enough, its cant be
sustained. Mental health is past the tipping point and our young girls feel exhausted
and isolated by the very thing that was meant to connect. My daughter felt it 2
years ago and hasn’t been on snapchat since, she said she felt relieved and
free, so I took the chance to notice and vocalise her self-discipline and
bravery.
If you have found this blog helpful, please do share it to
someone who may benefit from the points raised within it.
Comments
Post a Comment