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Anxiety Learning lesson 3, Maintaining causes of anxiety


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Maintaining causes of anxiety

Avoidance is a major player in the maintenance of anxiety, avoiding an activity or object (external stimulus) or an image, memory (internal stimulus) will ensure your anxiety remains firmly in place. Avoidance feels good because it gives us a major feeling of relief, you don’t have to tolerate the terrible anxious state. All the time we do this though we are hardwiring our anxiety.

A less extreme version of avoidance is to face the anxiety provoking situation, but to employ safety behaviours, these are things we do that allow us to get through the situation (some people would describe it as endure the situation) When people suffer acute paralysing anxiety they describe living as just surviving. If you think about safety behaviours as shields that prevent new learning taking place, for example:

·       Sit on the edge of a group, not really interacting and hoping you won’t be noticed.

·       Taking the children to an event where you would feel anxiety so you won’t be able to experience panic and face the fear, as you have to keep it together and they are a distraction.

·       Don’t ask questions and avoid talking about yourself.

·       Avoid situations where you are assessed on a formal level, driving test, fundraising for the PTA, not putting yourself forward for a promotion.

Self-talk/beliefs

The things we say to ourselves are rocket fuel for anxiety, they can come from comparisons with other people, “she’s cleverer, smarter, stronger, funnier, successful, organised”

MOST OF ANXIETY IS ABOUT THINKING WE WONT COPE, but when do we ever think in detail about what not coping would look like and what practical steps we would take in that situation.

Withheld feelings

This creates base line anxiety and comes from feelings of frustration, sadness, shame, Anger. My clients who suffer with social anxiety usually have unexpressed anger from a time when they felt powerless in an episode of exclusion, isolation, suppression, ridicule. We can feel angry at other people but believe if we express this and show that side of us then we will be further rejected and so the cycle continues. Unexpressed anger manifests as anxiety.

Lack of assertiveness

This is similar to the above, lack of assertiveness breeds resentment. What happens is that you are accommodating, you don’t state your need or point of view and you end up being put upon and overlooked this is turn makes you feel overwhelmed which causes anxiety.

Teenagers can suffer with this in terms of being the emotional rock for friends or being the one who takes on more in the group activity. It can also happen with parents when the teenager can’t express a want or need due to parent’s ill health/fragile state ect.

Coping capacity

When we have experienced anxiety for years and feel we have just about managed to get through life presenting a different self, we start to believe that we haven’t got any real coping capacity. if something truly terrible were to happen to us or our families then we would be convinced that we don’t have the strength, strategies, resolve and experience to get through it. Christine Padesky who is a leader in her field of Cognitive behaviour therapy talks about developing an assertive defence of self to reduce anxiety. This is where you practice facing challenging statements in the therapy room, learning how to be assertive and resilient for the outside world. This is something we will discuss later in the series.

Meaningful purpose

Sometimes when we don’t have a meaningful purpose that gives us focus and energy, we become frustrated and agitated, we perceive that we are trapped, leading to sense of boredom and dissatisfaction, this along with high stress factors such as children with additional needs, difficult family dynamics, repetitive work, lead to anxiety being experienced.

In the case of teenagers, I have noticed that if my clients don’t feel a sense of creativity in their lives where they can escape from the high stress of GCSE’s, family dynamics and friendship issues, life start to feel like a daily grind from a very young age.

A note on social media and anxiety

We were not built to sit around all day with flickering eyes watching one video after the next. Our bodies were created for movement whether that be running to hunt down an animal or movement through music or competitive sports. I have worked with lots of teenagers to reduce their screen time and incorporate more movement into their daily lives and they always report their anxiety lessening as a result. There are lots of ways to incorporate it, not just running or family walks, I will discuss this further into the series of blogs.

Take a quick look below and consider what factors may be maintaining your anxiety

o  Avoidance of phobic situations

o  Negative self-talk, anticipating bad outcomes

o  Mistaken beliefs about ourselves and other people

o  Withheld/denied feelings

o  Lack of assertiveness and belief in lowered coping capacity

o  Lack Meaningful purpose

o  Ruminating which backs up the anxiety from the back end maintains anxiety, you recall distressing experiences over again, trying to work out how you could have made it different. You link these together and form a storyline that reinforces a core belief “it was always going to go wrong, I’m crap at being a leader, girlfriend, friend”

So how can I work on one thing this week, I hear you say?

Well ruminating about the perceived failures reinforces the belief in lowered coping capacity. Most people have a collection of good and bad episodes, some have lasted months others are a singular thing you have said or done that you wish you hadn’t.

In order for you to start to build the notion that you are ‘capable and strong’, you will need to take some time in the day where you consciously think about the things that have gone right, the situations you managed well.

PLEASE NOTE: THIS IS NOT THE SAME AS CHANGING NEGATIVE SELF TALK IN THE MOMENT, THIS WILL STILL CONTINUE… we will come onto that at a later stage.

This involves thinking of your challenges as survival and strength, not in terms of defeat, because you didn’t handle X, Y and Z right.

So, I am going to give you some of my examples, please note I have to practice this every day, it is like a mental muscle that grows stronger with exercise.

·       I found help for my son when I realised there was a developmental problem. As a result he received portage services, speech and language therapy and the correct monitoring from children paediatrician services.

·       I didn’t pass the grammar test like my three older siblings, but I developed a strong sense of empathy and understanding for the people that have got more to offer than academia.

·       The teachers picked up on my hearing impairment when I was 8, I was behind in my learning but I had developed a skill in creative poetry and pottery alongside this. I also developed a strong love of reading in this time, that has continued to bring me great comfort, it also informs my writing, or should I say gives me the confidence to write.

·       I had a turbulent and abusive relationship in my 20’s, but it taught me what I didn’t want and gave me a strength to move through things instead of around them.

·       My dad died when I was 14, it was incredibly sad for a long time. It taught me that things don’t stay crap forever. We miss him as a family every day, he was so unique and larger than life. However, I now have a step dad who is equally encouraging, calm, considered and positive in his approach. Asking why is ok for a little while, but after a time it attracts more negative emotions and prevents you from dealing with other more important emotions.

Okay, so the flip negative side of these is:

·       Why does it have to be my son that struggles and needs all these services?

·       Why couldn’t I go to grammar, like the others? I am stupid and being clever really matters. It was the exam pressure, I’m no good with exams.

·       Why did I have to catch up on that work, I wish I didn’t sit at the front of the class. I wish I had been up to speed and I would have done something with my life MUCH sooner. I would be ‘successful’.

·       Why was he abusive? It was about me and my reactions to things. I wish I didn’t have to go through that. I shouldn’t have had to go through that.

·       I made that bad choice of a boyfriend because my dad died. Everything leads back to dad dying. People who lose a parent during teenager years really suffer. What is the positives about someone dying? People think they have it tough, but they have both of their parents.

Here is a little insight for you. THIS IS NOT EASY!! It takes practice. Some of you may do meditation or running or emptying the dishwasher (if you’ve got your teenager to complete this task spontaneously, please get in contact to advise how) Then you have the time every day to complete this homework. This really matters because all the time it is reinforcing the failure thinking. Let’s get on top of this… and then move through the maintaining causes/habits going forward.

It is important that you do not do this in a ‘everything is positive, nothing is tough’ kind of way. That isn’t what this is about, we are accepting that it was crap/tough/distressing ect, but we are choosing to focus on what it gave us, so that we can be on top of things when it doesn’t feel like we are.

For teenagers to do this, it is a bit tougher because they have less years of life experience, but it’s still possible.

If you as a teenager would like some practice at this… or as a parent you think your teenager may benefit, then please go to Talking to Teenagers on Facebook and leave a comment on the original post. I will do a live video with teenagers using your profile (mum or dad) if they do not have one of their own and we will do a lesson on this to get you started.

Please comment in the comment box how this goes for you, it is sort of homework. Or please comment on the Facebook post itself. Also, if you have enjoyed this blog please comment, like and share.



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